A Ceramic Fish Joint

So, I had to delete my entry at my other site kinda quickly last night. So, I'll write here. Besides, there's a little more to talk about now anyways I think.

So, as always, there's a boy at work that I want. Mmmm. So, said boy is on my team. About a month ago, I realized I actually was all about him and had just been pretending otherwise. To trick myself. Because my team? Doesn't change too often. So, if something were to happen it could be uncomfortable. Or, if he were to find out my feelings but not reciprocate, it could be uncomfortable. Or if it was all great then ended, it could be uncomfortable. Whateva. So, the last few months I was all just telling myself that I didn't really like him, and he didn't have the most perfect personality, and yeah. Stuff. Heh. I totally have a crush.

So, anyways I realized on a team outing to Ft. Desoto that yeah. Boy = my boyfriend. We were swimming, and I kept having to stop myself from doing totally inappropriate things. I mean, not that inappropriate. I'm not always slutty. But I kept really wanting to kiss him. Or wrap my arms around him. Stuff like that. Yeah. That's when I realized. So, after then, I kept trying to talk to him more and stuff. And couldn't tell if I was making up signals from him, or if he seemed to be into me. Like, did he really just come over to my isle to talk to the other two people there, or was he there to be near me? And, did he really just *happen* to stand up frequently in his cube and look over the wall towards my part of the building or was it just a coincidence? Stuff like that.

So, two weeks ago everyone had to move seats, and we're now sitting in the same row. He's like 4 seats away from me. In front of me. Yeah. Anyways, he keeps looking my way now. So I decided to talk to him and stuff. We ended up going to see Spiderman together the day after it opened. Fun times and stuff. Had really good conversation, all that jazz. I think I'm getting good-type signals from him…but can't quite tell.

Here's the thing. So yeah, he comes to my cube. One day, he stood and talked to me for like 25 minutes. Boy is mostly quiet and seems a little shy. Also, there was the movie. Which would totally be nothing, except for when we went, he paid my way. Which makes me wonder if maybe it wasn't just a nothing, or if he was just being nice. Or whatever. Third. We get off at the same time, whereas everyone else on the team leaves earlier. He now tends to linger till I'm ready to leave, and we walk outside together…talking. And finally, in an attempt to flirt, I mentioned talking outside of work using the lovely and benign world of IMs. Apparently, boy never does the whole IM thing, but downloaded AIM and got a new screenname to talk to me. That's a good sign, right? We've talked on two occasions, both for fairly long times (two hours one night and over an hour the other.)

Here's the scary. In random talking, I mentioned Gmail (which is no big deal) but while talking about it I mentioned Orkut. Which he wasn't familiar with, so I told him about it. And then gave him an invite. And he joined. After he got the email, I realized it came from my a pissypants email address. Leading him to my site. Hence the quick deletion of the aformentioned entry there. But also, I'm a little silly and often times crazy. And I maximize this on Orkut. So, there's all kinds of things that I say there, or communities I've joined that probably he shouldn't know about just yet. And I know he read through what I have there because he mentioned some of it. Then, a little later, he was going to bed. So that's when I started to obsess. I wonder if I did too much. If I'm scaring him away. And, although I realize that if he actually does dig me and all that jazz, he'd find all this out anyways. But I don't want it to be overkill all at once. Or something like that. So mass fear.

But, the good. He did come online tonight again, though I was preoccupied with other things and wasn't really at my computer. He stayed on for like two hours. And since, from what I understand, he doesn't really IM anyone else I'm assuming he was wanting to talk to me. Then again, I should probably not assume anything at this point.

Sigh. I'm so freaking confused. And a little scared. I realize I obsess over people…boys especially. It's my thing. Boy is just nifty in so many ways. If nothing else, I so want to be his friend cause he's freaking interesting. Hopefully my crazy won't scare him off. So yeah. If anyone has advice, I'd love to hear it. Please. Help me.

I just had the overwhelming urge to cut chunks out of my hair. Not. Good. I mean, I know I'd be sooooo pretty but jeebus! Must control impulses!

You know, working on a holiday kinda sucks ass. Also, working on Sundays when the rest of your team does not…sucks ass as well. Le sigh.

Less than an hour and a half left to go for the day. I might make it out alive yet.