A Ceramic Fish Joint

Yeah, yeah…I'm way late on doing this…but meh.

Today is just not a good day. It's so weird. I really especially like my job. Lots. Love the atmosphere, the work (from what I can tell thus far) doesn't seem bad, and the company isn't evil. Mostly all good things. But I'm still all kinds of like sad and mad and just plain stupidness.

First: Contacts. Last week, I ordered new contacts from an eye doctor place by my apartment, which is in Orwellian New Tampa. They said it would take two days for my contacts to arrive. This was Tuesday, they should have been there on Thursday. I gave till Friday. Still nothing. Mind you, last week I wasn't working so it was no problem to go pick up my precious new contacts from the place with stupid hours. I called yesterday, they didn't know what had happened. I called today, after 3pm. They had my contacts, and had been planning to call me…sometime. Grrrr! I hate it when places do shit like that! So, now, I work in a different part of town. Getting to where I live? Not so easy during rush hour. Training ends at 4:30, the eye place closes at 5pm. It will take me approximately 29.9 minutes to get to the place, given the right conditions. Of course, since it's Tampa and summertime, there's loverly rain and storming right around 4:30 – 5 or so. Which makes driving a little more…interesting. I got to the fucking place at 5:03. I am so pissed. It was their (or their shipper…or someone's) mistake, and now I'm sad. And I don't like being sad. Grrrr. So, I'm going to try to get to the place tomorrow during lunch, which should be a little easier. It just sucks because at noon? It's fucking hot. And my car? Has a borken air conditioner. Which makes me sad. And, as I said before, I mostly don't like being sad. Stupidness.

Second: I'm hormonal, which is making me irrational and crazy. And I don't like it. Also, it's making me crave food, which, well…I think we all know how I feel about eating. In that I mostly don't like to do it. Because I just don't like the taste of anything. It sucks to crave something and then realize you can't stand the taste. Over and over again in the same day with different things.

Third: I feel really ugly right now. This probably ties into the second one. I don't remember feeling ugly last week…then again I was having lots of sex and now I'm not. But that's just because I haven't had the chance to talk to – much less see – Multiple Orgasm Boy. But, I digress. It's times like these, the feeling ugly times…that makes me wonder if I'm just being all delusional during my non-feeling-ugly times. What if I'm in complete denial about my ickiness?! I don't like being ugly! That also makes me really sad. Stupid ugly sadness.

Fourth: I don't like the migraine pills. I don't like the side effects. I know that they kinda balance my mood out, and make the migraines mostly not happen (I haven't had one the entire time I've taken them, but I had a couple during the three weeks I went off of the pills) but I really don't like all the extra crap. I have a hard enough time eating properly as it is without some pill fucking with my appetite and sense of taste. It's getting to the point now that I know I'm hungry, but I can't do a damn thing about it because everything I eat either makes me feel really sick, or makes me feel immediately full, when I know damn well I'm not. And, although this isn't altogether bad, it's kinda weird. Since I've started taking these pills, I've been having a lot more neurological side effects than I used to. Like, I've always had visual…disturbances. And have always heard things. Not in a schizophrenic kind of way, really…more in a I see random light patterns and whatnot that I know aren't there and I hear odd sounds that I know aren't happening. They've just become worse. And they're amplified when I do any kind of drug. Well, I've only smoked pot a few times and did meth like twice since I've taken them. But, I've been seeing a whole bunch of tracers…not necessarily to the degree of an acid trip or anything, but definitely tracers. And I hear buzzing and ringing and other random weirdness more often than before. And then with the tingling in my arms and legs. It's like after your leg falls asleep and you're trying to wake it back up? I get that randomly all day long. Kinda sucks, too.

Also, with regards to my pussy, sorta. These pills make me run really late every month, which is completely contrary to how I am normally as I'm usually super early. It was supposed to be balanced out by the birth control, but thanks to Alltel's insurance sucking ass, and my own damn poverty level right now, I couldn't afford to get the birth control refilled like I thought I could. So, while I should have just started using a new ring, and thus kept things mostly normal, I haven't yet. Luckily, NuvaRing is like, hella easy to start/stop and only takes a week before it's effective again, but still. It's kinda sucktacular.

And, the pills make it really, especially hard for me to concentrate. I was never the most focused person anyways, and now I'm just out of it most of the time. Sigh.

See, right now is totally stupid…except for the job that I like.

Oh, one final thing. Someone should buy me this because it would make me really happy. And, I needs it bad.

Oh My God. It's Zombie Dogs for real!

The New Job has Space coffee. SPACE Coffee! Do you have any idea how cool this is?!? It's straight from the Jetsons, and great fun! Space coffee!

I think I'm gonna end things with Multiple Orgasm Boy. I know, I know…how do I give up MOs? It's hard…but probably the right thing. Besides, the sex is getting less-good. In the way that it's still fucking fabulous, but…I dunno. I'm just…angry at him or something. Friday night…or Saturday morning…I remember being so pissed off while giving head. I like giving head! It's like…a favorite passtime!

And, also…so…yeah…I'm loud. I'm really, freaking loud. That means you're doing a good job. Wesley knows I'm loud. (Sorry, Smismar.) I'm sure the neighbors know I'm loud. I don't care – I'm having a good time. If I'm getting louder, DO NOT STOP. He can't seem to understand this. I've sat him down to explain this. It's starting to get really frustrating. So many lost orgasms because he's afraid I'll disturb someone.

Let's look at the bigger picture here. We have a cat who is in heat 88% of the time. She goes outside, positions her body to maximize the screaming effect. You can hear her at least a building away. She does this constantly. I don't think that me making happy noises, all contained in my room, for a few hours is gonna make that much difference. I'm sure the neighbors already hate us. Give me my orgasms. NOW. Heh. Ok, that was selfish, but really. It's just mean to tease like that.

And why is it when you tell someone that you like something and DON'T STOP they almost immediately stop and start doing something else? That's so frustrating. I mean, I get the whole, “gotta find something *else* that works for her” deal…but I want the not stopping whatever is good part.

What else? Hmmm… Oh, so presumptuous. He thinks he knows what I'm feeling – and tells me. I don't like that. I choose the path of least talking, because it's usually safer in these situations. Apparently he's somehow taken this to mean that I'm all without defenses, and all shmoopy about him. Also, I don't like that he kinda assumed that I would just automatically fall into a relationship with him without even like…talking about it or anything. Especially knowing how fiercely territorial I am about having my personal space I am and whatnot. I don't easily let people close.

I mean, seriously, when he IMed me on Tuesday…I thought we'd hang out, have the casual sex thing, whatever. I honestly didn't even totally remember his name. I mean, I had a good idea of what it was… but…that just shows how much I had invested into him. I do not have feelings for him, and highly doubt that I will develop any feelings for him. Well, other than anger and resentment. Which sucks, cause he's kinda fun as a hanging out friend. And I think he'd be a fabulous fuck-buddy. But I seriously don't think he'd go for that.

But, besides that…we just don't have anything to really work on for a relationship. As far as I can tell, we don't have much in common… We don't really have much to talk about, which is why I mostly just keep kissing him. I guess maybe that's giving the wrong impression. Kissing generally makes people think you like them for more than just sex, right? I enjoy the kissing, though. It's fun times. But yeah… To avoid the talking that we really wouldn't be able to do, I just kiss him randomly.

Sigh.

So, yeah. That's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna sex him like…maybe one more time…heh. Then, yeah. We're gonna have a talk.

You are sexy, powerful, and bold. You're full of passion and energy… Sometimes this passion has a dark side. You feel most alive when you're seducing someone. You never fail to get someone's attention. Quick minded, you're also quick to lose your temper!

Heh…

So, how does one find out if he or she is in a relationship without…you know…asking? Cause asking is just weird, especially if it's something that you're probably already supposed to know.

I have this feeling I may have uhm…ended up in a relationship. Quite quickly, I might add. Eeep! But how do I tell for sure?

Also. If this is a relationship…is it okay to base it off of sex? I mean…really? What if it's really fucking fabulous sex? Cause, uhm. Ok. Here's a really, really bad thing. Back a few months ago when I was “getting to know” this guy…mostly it was him getting to know me…and me wondering why we weren't having sex…and ignoring the getting-to-know-you part. Cause, I really especially didn't think it'd be going anywhere…ever. I don't mean that in a bad way…it's just not what I was expecting from him.

And, yeah…I just kinda happened into all of this anyways. One minute, multiple orgasms. The next…I think he's a boyfriend. Is this really how things work? I'm not even really so sure about the whole situation. On the one hand, it's lots of fun, yes. But on the other… uhm. I don't even know.

Man, I'm so screwed.

Help!

Oh yeah, I just remembered. At one point today, he made a comment about the “relationship” being founded on sex or something. What does this parenthetical relationship stuff mean?! ¡Cuidado!

Somebody remind me:

Multiple orgasms do != love.

Really. Amazing sex. Amazing. Like. Holy fucking crap.

The sex fairy has been so kind to me this week. For reals, it's not often that I'm getting the kickass sex, certainly not twice in the same week. I totally won this time!

As an aside: having a hickey from a prior hookup is apparently uhm…bad. However, totally not my fault. This person happened back into my life after about 2 months of no contact, and a weirdish situation to begin with. It was just funny to be all kissing and have him stop and point said hickey out. Heh.

Multiple orgasms do != love. Really. People, you gotta keep telling me this. Damn… I'm totally gonna get myself in trouble with this…

I fixed my scrolly wheel all the way! Sure, it was due to a suggestion by Wes, so it wasn't all me…but dammit, I needed it. Too many log files, too much crazy. Yay to scrolling all the ways it's supposed to scrolly. I am at peace now.

Although, I'm still a little confused as to why the nVidia drivers are working without being loaded properly. I mean, I understand that they are compiled into the kernel but there are still key modules that have to be loaded when you start xWindows in order for it to work. I disabled those. Also, I very specifically told xWindows to use different drivers to display graphics. Oh well. The screen resolution is currently not making my eyes bleed, so I'm guessing it's not that important. A total win!

Now, I need to stop touching things, lest I break something else.

In other news, Kitten is in heat again. Damn impending summer solstice. We had two very friendly male cats waiting outside our door when we left this evening. Wes named them Cat and, uhm…Cat. I said one was Grey Toe and the other was…uhm…Hmm…Oh, Wes said Bitch Face. Because it's fun to call stuff mean names. It's a cool cat, though…all black. It goes squirrel hunting, and hangs out on the roof a lot. Grey Toe/Cat is super friendly. It's huge, and likes to be petted. And it purrs. And it would like to fuck Kitten. He also likes to lay under cars. It's his favorite passtime, apart from waiting/wanting to fuck Kitten.

Yay my scrolly wheel works all the way! This rules!

Today, I have:

- Fixed the nVidia driver issue. I rule! Granted, I fixed it when I thought I was just breaking it back to an earlier point so I could uhm…fix it a different way…but…it fucking works so there. I still rule.

- Fixed my scrolly wheel sorta. It scrolls halfway. It's a configuration issue, though. So, it's something that can be fixed. I just need to stop fucking with it, lest I continue to fight with Debian. I say, “startx” Debian says, “no screens to dispay.” And then goes downhill from there. Le sigh. Also, while trying to fix the scrolly wheel, and breaking things more, I started reading system log files. And found this: Jun 19 18:52:15 localhost kernel: nvidia: module license 'NVIDIA' taints kernel. No wonder it wasn't working! I have the dirtiest drivers ever! And a tainted kernel! Poor thing…

- Got my insurance stuff from the Old Jobbity. So, this really wasn't something I *did* but it prompted many more actions. Actually, it was something I did, cause I got the mail from the mail-stand thing.

- Called to refill both migraine medicine and birth control. Not picked up yet, but will be later. Neither are needed right now, but I figured I'd get them while I actually have valid insurance for like a week. Woo!

- Called five bajillion places to figure out who provides my vision insurance so I could get more contacts. This included: Blue Cross/Blue Shield Arkansas, Alltel Corporate Benefits, and VSP. Oddly enough, all the people were super nice. The Coporate Benefits lady was kinda meh cause she just kept wanting to direct me to the intraweb…and I was like…listen..I quit…my ID? No longer works. But, you know what? My insurance? Is still valid. Tell me how to use it. Heh. I <3 making people do their job. Then I had to call places to see if they'd accept outside prescriptions. Luckily, there's a place like, right next to my home…on the road that I always drove to go to work at Verizon/Alltel/AOL. The road where I see the duck. The duck who obeys traffic rules. Yeah. That duck was always my friend. Anyways, they'll accept it. It was kinda silly, though…I called, and they were like…yeah…you want the *optical* people. Uhhh…. She explained it was the same building, same company…same everything…Just a different number. Apparently I needed to talk to Scott, and couldn't be transferred. It was cool, though. He understood my mumblings, because I was very, very confused by this point. Poor Scott. I'd been playing break the kernel/driver/mouse/config file all day. And then decided to play understand insurance companies.

Today has been so productive. And I really need to go get more caffeine. And I hurt. Oh how my me hurts me so much. My poor all of me.