A Ceramic Fish Joint

I was finally given the release to go back to work today. Went in for like three hours – basically made almost enough to cover my doctor visit today. Sigh. But! I still have a job. AND, I totally had a prize when I got to work. My employee phone came in, and I am now the owner of a shiny new Motorola RAZR. Ooooh. I've been playing way too much. I just can't stop touching it…such a satisfying phone. And, even though the T-Mobile signal sucks ass in my apartment, I can totally use the phone, and it's much clearer than my old one with ATT/Cingular (which had a fair signal inside.) I <3 this phone. Lots.

So, feeling all better, yay. Back to work and not fired, yay. Able to make money to survive and not get evicted, yay. New phone, yay. And, uhm...not feeling like crap! It's amazing how huge the difference is to feel good when you've been sick and hurty for a long time. Luckily, it seems like all the crap associated with stupid ovaruterum pain is gone, and I'm glad. That was a bitch in so many different ways, and I never ever want to have to deal with it again. Evah.

Now I go to sleep. I'm thinking tonight I'm going to try to get a little more than 5 hours of sleep…with going into work later, I think I might just be able to manage it.

I'm starting another day of trying to get some doctor…any doctor to write a release saying it's okay for me to work. You wouldn't think it'd be that hard. I'm begging people to let me go back to work, and nobody will. I've been turned down three times since Friday. Work won't let me come in unless I have a handy dandy note from some medical professional – they don't care who – saying that I'm not gonna die at my desk.

It sucks that and is so freaking uhmm…stupid…because I actually feel fine right now. I realize that I was hella sick for, uhm..a little over three weeks looks kinda bad. But really, fine now. Okay to work! Promise guys! The one doctor that refused to write the note said that they wouldn't do it because there was no reason for me to be out in the first place. I think they kinda misunderstood the type of note I needed…not one to cover all my days gone – because I've already been to the ER and various doctors four times now. Each time I got a note. That part is covered. Work is just afraid I'm gonna die, and they're going to be held responsible for letting me come back without a release. I have an appointment at 2pm today with the doctor that I saw on Friday. I've decided that I'm not leaving until I have a release for work. So, it's either forceably remove Heidi, or give us what we wants.

The really absurd part of all of this is that I can remember many times in the past when I was really sick, and doctors refused to write me off of work. Sinus infection with a painfully swollen throat and no voice? It's ok to work in your call center job! Kidney infection so severe it hurts to walk? You're fine to go back to your nursing assistant job – don't drop the old people when you're lifting their dead bodies to a gurney! Jeebus. But now, now I'm all…guys, really. I sit all day. Honest. I sit. I sit at a computer. While I couldn't do it a week ago because the infection was just a bit too bad, I'm really ok! Promise! On Friday, when the doctor first refused to write the release, I had been back at work for three days. (Had to leave early the day before and that day to go to dr appointments, but I was fine with being there.)

Sigh. So, I'm going back to the doctor from Friday. I figure that office has all of my information – all the radiology results, lab work, etc. *My* doctor is, of course, still on vacation, but I'm going to see the other one in the office. I just really especially don't want to lose my job. And actually, my job…that's another interesting matter. They don't even know how to handle the situation. Seems as though this situation has never happened before, and they don't really know what to do. Fortunately, I've done really well throughout training thus far, so I think it helps me out a bit since people are more willing to vouch for me.

So, hopefully the appointment will go well today. I'm not exactly sure where else I can go at this point…because I really especially need to get back to work. It feels so silly sitting on my ass when I could be making money (that I desperately need) and getting better at what I was trained to do. Such stupidness.

GBH is playing in Orlando tomorrow and in St. Pete on Wednesday. Thanks to me maybe not having a job anymore, I won't get to go. I'm really, really sad because I was so looking forward to it. Then again, was really liking the job, and am pretty fucking sad about that, too.

My job state is in question because of the massive sickness recently. Missing days, etc. I had to leave early on Thursday because somebody finally figured out Blue's Clues and found the problem. Had to get another doctor's appointment on Friday for more painkillers, though, because it'll still be a few days before I'm feeling better. And, I needed to actually go to the doctor because *my* doctor went on fucking vacation (nobody bothered to tell me this, though, when my presciption was changed earlier in the week so I was taking double what had originally been ordered…even though I fucking asked about getting a refill and said I would run out before the weekend) – apparently this office will not call in narcotic refills. So, the other doctor in the office wouldn't just write me a prescription because, hey, it's narcotics…but he agreed to see me. Meaning, missing more work.

Anyways, my manager said that because of the massive time off, etc, he wanted a note saying that I was ok to work. I totally understand, didnt' think it'd be a big deal. So, I tell the doctor this. No dice. He's all, you're still in pain after being on antibiotic A for 4 days, you aren't in any condition to work. I'm like, dude, they found out the problem yesterday, started antibiotic B. Mind you, it wasn't this doctor's office who started me on the second antibiotic, it was from the original ER visit. So, blah. He refuses to release me, saying that I gotta be not in pain to go back to work, and he'd rather *my* doctor release me anyways. Also understandable, as I'm sure there are some legal issues if he'd say it was all good and it wasn't. And, besides, he says that there's still a minute possibility that there's a problem with my gallbladder, since all of my pain is localized there. So, I'm not allowed to go back to work. This doctor says I'll probably be feeling fine by Monday. However, *my* doctor is going to still be on vacation until Wednesday, and I can't see her until Thursday afternoon. That's a long fucking time. Meanwhile, I'm still in training, and this is way not cool. I'm technically finished with the learning portion of the training, I honestly put all this off until I was because I didn't want to miss out on anything. Well, I didn't want to miss work at all, but I guess that's a moot point now. But, as it stands, I've put out so much money in these doctor visits since I have no insurance and I have to pay everything up front. Not to mention the prescriptions. I think I've spent close to $250 on pills alone now. I've now missed a total of 5 days, which means no money coming in to cover for it.

So, after I got the bad news from the doctor, I freaked a bit. Called a friend, then called my trainer to tell her everything that was going on so we could see where to go next. She was going to the manager guy, since it's his decision whether I am allowed to work without this release or not, as he decided I needed one. Also, I guess, whether this is something I'm just going to be fired outright over, or…whatever. I guess there are a few possible solutions, I just don't know. I'm so sad, and so angry. I really like this job. Like, really, really like it a lot. This is one of those jobs that I don't mind going to work. I managed to get a 4 day a week schedule, which I always dig. I have to work both weekend days, but meh. There's just so much positive that I like…it's not a bad place to be. And I can't fucking believe I might lose it all. Even if I don't get fired, but am not allowed to come back till I get the release, or worse, get put in the next training class or something…I don't have enough money to live on. Seriously, this is gonna kill me. Plus, as an added financial burden, I had *just* ordered my employee phone, which shipped on Thursday. A nice, new Motorola RAZR. Sigh. I so can't afford it. Or rent. Or food. Or anything right now.

It's amazing how each and every good thing in my life is immediately overshadowed my overwhelming sadness for me. I wasn't always so pessimistic, but life fucking sucks. It has this way of squashing my will to live every few months or so…just when I forget that I'm apparently supposed to have perpetual sadness.

My life has become so fucking tragic that I can't even laugh about it anymore.

So, while I'm finally starting to feel a little better, I still feel like ass. Today was the first day I was able to work, and only with the help of my dear friend, Percocet. Two of him every six hours makes living a little easier. Apparently I still look like ass, though, which always sucks. I *hate* both looking and feeling like ass. It's dumb, and it needs to stop. In the meantime, I'll just cuddle with Percocet.

I broke the garbage disposal today. Funny thing, how it broke, too. I mean, I know I'm prone to weird shit happening…but damn. So, you know those hard rubber sink drain stoppy things? Yeah, apparently mine got INSIDE. And I all…uhm…make the thing grind, then had to scurry to make Kitten stop doing whatever she was doing (probably pissing on something else to make me sad) and then all with the horrible loud bad noises. Took me a little bit to figure out what the hell was in there, too. So, garbage disposal = dead. I broke the laws of physics and killed my garbage disposal.

Two days ago I broke our one and only skillet thing. I picked it up and it just kinda lost structural integrity. The handle came apart from its home in a magnificent display of loud sadness. Since I am both ghetto and poor, I used the broken skillet tonight to make chicken stuff. Mmmm…mandarin sesame chicken goo. One day, I will hopefully remember to replace it with a non-ghetto skillet. One complete with fully functioning handle!

My cunt has decided to take up bleeding as its new hobby. For those of you not keeping track at home (and really, who wouldn't want to?) this is the second time in just over two weeks! And the first time had me expelling golf-ball sized hurtiness from my uterus. I am not pleased by this, either.

And, finally, after seeing a different doctor on Monday, I am no closer to resolution with the broken hurty Heidi stuff. The doctor decided it was probably just a kidney infection. Why it hurts my abdomen, who's to know? So, hard-core antibiotics for a week, nausea pills and percocet. Dear, sweet Percocet. I go see her next week for a follow up. This hurty is reallly dumb. Have I mentioned just how much I've had to pay, yet? Cause Monday's doctor visit + pills put me over $250. I've also missed four days of work, which is minus lots of dollars. I am sad. I have no clue how much the ER visit will cost. However, I did just get info on COBRA coverage, and I'm going to see if I can quick sign up for it and have it cover me retroactively since it *should* have been available to me July 1st and I was never given the opportunity to sign up for it. Seriously. Quit my last job on June 9th, coverage ended June 30th. The letter wasn't even postmarked till July 13th. That's dumb. So that'd be goodness if I could swing it.

Bah to everything right now, though. Bah.

After spending the day, literally, in the ER, I am no closer to resolution. I got there at 9am, was quickly registered, immediately taken back, immediately seen by a doctor and then the fun began! So much fun, in fact, that I didn't get home until nearly 7pm! The good news: it is not my gallbladder, nor does it appear to be coming from my pancreas, kidney, lung or liver. My pelvic exam was normal, the CT of my abdomen was normal. The X-rays of my abdomen were normal. The urinalysis was normal. The bloodwork was mostly all normal – no elevated WBCs indicating an infection. In fact, the only thing out of the ordinary, besides the neverending pain in my me, was my potassium level. It was pretty low. I'm thinking that when I had bloodwork done in April, it was also slightly low, but still in the normalish range.

I am so fucking sad. I am still in immense pain. Like, pain to breathe, pain to move, pain to stand up straight, pain to be alive mostly. My official diagnosis? “Acute abdominal pain of unknown etiology” Yeah, well, I could have told you that 10 hours and a few thousand dollars ago! I was given a handful of painkillers and sent on my way. There's a doctor that I can follow up with, though. I'm going to call her tomorrow morning. Because right now? I'm not so much functional. Like, I had totally been planning on driving myself to the hospital today and Wes offered to take me. I'm really glad he did…because I don't think I can drive right now. I can hardly take a bath, or walk, or anything. I can't get a deep breath, which sucks, because it puts me in panic mode, which just makes it worse.

The thing that sucks the most about this whole situation is that I was really avoiding going to the ER because I just *knew* something like this would happen. I'd go, have a bajillion painful tests done, and there'd be no resolution. I mean, I was there for a good four hours before I was even given any painkillers, and in the first four hours I had the ultrasound done…where they made me lay flat on my back with my right arm above my head – PAIN – while they dug into the hurty area with a probe thingy. Then I got to lay on my side with my arm above my head – PAIN – while they did the same thing from a different angle! Then immediately after that fun experience I had a pelvic exam, complete with creepy doctor, stirrups and a plastic speculum. The plastic ones pinch your girly bits. That experience was surprisingly not painful in comparison, though. Even the part where they jab a few fingers inside while poking down on the ovaruterum, which usually hurts like hell for me. I guess my pain was just concerned with being elsewhere today. Then, since my gallbladder was ruled out (the doctor had originally decided it was all gallbladder causing the problems) it was time for more prodding! What was next? Oh…the best part. The abdominal CT. With contrast. Barium contrast. Ugh. Now, I have to take an aside and say that as soon as the lady bringing the nastiness to me left, my nurse was there with a wonder-shot. Painkillers and tummy helpers. Yum. That really helped for about an hour. The pain was still there, but I didn't want to kill myself quite as much. So, I'm ordered to drink these fucking barium contrast drinks. Big assed glasses. One every 45 minutes. Towards the end of my first one, the X-Ray people came. Normally, this isn't a big deal. Except for how it hurts me to move. And I had to move from a gurney to an X-Ray table. And lay flat on my back with my arms above my head. Pain and hurty! Then climb back into the ever-moving gurney. Even though the brakes would be locked? It'd move every damn time I had to get back on it. Not fun when you're barely upright as it is. So, that's over, the X-Ray guy brings me back, knocks over one of my barium drinks. Cleaning lady gets mad at him, then makes me watch tv. It was all very confusing. He was sweet, if inept. But sweet. So, he manages to get me another yummy delicious elemental drink for my tummy. And my nurse comes in with Gatorade + Potassium! Yum! That tasted like ass! Well, it tasted like super salty weird Gatorade. And I don't like Gatorade anyways. And I was super, super sick from drinking the barium crap. So I didn't drink it. Heh. Finally I managed to down all the damn barium crap, and I'm taken to CT. And they want to make me drink more of the shit. Because “what I had drank would have already moved from my stomach to my bowel.” Arg! I got away with three very small sips. Which is good, because any more would have made me puke in the CT room, and nobody would have liked that. So, more getting into weird positions. And getting a dumb dye injected during the thing, which burned like a motherfucker, and kinda fucked up my IV. I hate that stuff. Ick. So, that was done, more waiting.

Doctor comes in to tell me nothing is wrong with me and to drink my Potassium (three times.) Apparently his possible diagnosis is that I could have had an ovarian cyst rupture and spill out into my abdomen causing tenderness. Why I wouldn't have an infection, I dunno. Also, why doesn't my ovary hurt anymore…I dunno. I think that was just his made up maybe diagnosis. I was basically treated for pain with enough painkillers to technically last through Sunday, however none of the painkillers even work for me…so it's kinda pointless. The nurse yelled at me sorta for not drinking my Potassium drink, so while she was out getting me more painkillers for before I left, Wes dumped it down the sink. Heh. I can only handle so much torture in one day. I guess they needed to treat *something* and low potassium was the only thing they found. Who knows? They gave me a doctor that I can follow up with, one that has to see me even though I don't have insurance…which is cool…even if they are out in Brandon. I'm going to call tomorrow, because uhm…there's something very wrong with me, and it needs fixed. I know I've put it off for like two weeks…but the deal is this. It was different pain last week. It started with a bad period, I was passing crap the size of golf balls…. You'd hurt too. I know that my uterus and cervix has to cramp lots in order to get something that size through. Granted, I shoudn't have had clots that large, but right now that's besides the point I think. When the bleeding stopped last Wednesday, I thought the pain was still there because of all the cramping. It mostly just felt like my uterus was raw inside, and my whole uterine and ovary area was tender. Hence the ovaruterum was born. By the weekend, it moved up to just my right ovary hurting. I knew it wasn't right, I was running a fever, and I really just slept the whole damn time. Sunday I didn't even get out of bed till 6pm. By Monday afternoon, though, the pain started to move up higher, but it stayed at the same intensity. Tuesday it was in the spot that it is now. Wednesday is when it got bad again. By last night, I was so freaked out by how much pain I was in, and how debilitating it was. That's when I started to not be able to breathe, or to move around all that well. Wes was going to take me to the ER, but I was so damn exhausted and upset I just didn't want to do it. I didn't have the strength to face all the tests last night. So today. It's not been any better. I don't know if it's any worse, but it certainly isn't better at all. And it just sucks ass so much.

I feel super shitty for missing work today, and also for having to miss tomorrow. I had debated trying to go, but I think that will just end up badly, and I should probably just listen to my body right now and not move. Hopefully this doctor will be able to see me either tomorrow sometime or on Monday… I doubt that it will be hard to get in, though, given the circumstances. And, while the ER didn't find anything wrong, that certainly doesn't mean there's nothing to find. They are limited to what they can look for, and mostly just have to cover the general bases. So, yeah, I'm hoping that I can at least figure out what is causing me so much sadness real soon so I can get it fixed and get my life back.

Sorry for the wordiness, figured I should probably tell the whole story of my pain since I know some of you were worried and stuff…and uhm..not pleased that I hadn't gone to the doctor yet and stuff. So, I'm trying to take care of myself now…I realize that it's definitely at a point where I can no longer ignore the problem. Denial not so much working in this situation.

So now the pain has decided to move. Move into my side. And up. I'm thinking maybe appendix area. Motherfucking tricksey assed pain. Anyways, it's getting harder to breathe, because taking a deep breath causes it to stab the pain or something. So, I'm actually gonna go to the ER finally. As soon as Wes finishes his shower and stuff, we're off.

Everything got really, really bad last night, and freaked me the fuck out. It was ten kinds of not cool. So, I called my mom to uhm…try to gauge how serious it was…we decided it was pretty serious and to go to the ER… it was just a matter of when. Because I was tired, and felt like ass. Wes had tried to get me to go last night anyways, though… but I just really didn't want to. It was after 10 by the time I started getting super bad, and I had been up since 6, and I haven't slept well in about two weeks. I'm totally exhausted. So, blerg. But anyways, yes. To the hospital I go. Hopefully it won't be my appendix, and it won't be something weird-bad from my ovaruterum, it'll just be uhm…random fake pain or something. No, not that cause then they'll think I'm crazy, and it'll make me pissy cause my body made shit up again. Uhm…yeah. Hopefully it's something not a big deal.

I'll keep you guys posted, though.

After more research on the interweb, my symptoms are looking simliar to uterine fibroids. The second article really kinda hits home for me. What with the uhm…sudden severe pain and other stupidness. I also started running a low fever today, which isn't so great. Bah. I'm still going to try to wait it out till Monday so I can talk to my doctor. I'd really, really like to avoid going to the ER if at all possible. But, this is crazy. This crap has been going on for just over a week now, and I've never ever had any problems after my period ended, which is kinda a concern. Stupid, stupid body. I don't understand why it hates me.

Sigh. Painkillers aren't working, tried taking a Xanax to relax and it didn't help. Ice on the ovaruterum didn't help, hot baths don't help. The fetal position is kinda good, but I get bored. I'm a figity person, and can only lay in a ball for so long without wandering off somewhere. Luckily it's all wet and icky out this weekend thanks to the hurricane passing by, so I have no desire to leave the apartment. It'd just be awesome if the apartment was automagically clean without me having to move, and the Kitten was all of a sudden not in heat and screaming/pissing on stuff.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I'm still pretty damn hurty. My ovaruterum fucking hurts me. I totally made that word up. Pretty cool, huh? It encompasses my ovaries and uterus, cause right now…I don't know what the hell hurts. Actually, I should throw my tummy in, too…cause it's being stupid as well. Anyways, even after taking a Lorcet so kindly smuggled to me, I'm still in mucho pain. Wesley kinda convinced me that I should probably see a uhm…doctor or something.

As an aside, why is it that I *always* fucking die when I'm between insurance coverage? Always. Broken leg? Check. Strep Throat? Check, check. Pneumoweirdness? Check. Overuterum revolt? Check. All this in the last two years, too! Stupid fucking medical bills.

Anyways, I'm going to sleep the weekend away, and rest, and see if it improves any. If not, I'll call the pussy doctor on Monday to see what she says and/or just go to the ER. Because, this is still really, really bad. Not only have I never experienced anything like this – which is saying a lot because I have experienced some weird stuff, I can't even find anything on the interweb that's remotely close to what has been happening. So yeah. Blah. So much stupidness in my me.