A Ceramic Fish Joint

My cat is going crazy. She's running through the apartment, attempting to rip through space/time. Screaming. I can feel how close she is to opening a window to another dimension. See, she likes to pretend her claws are the subtle knife, and when she's running around the apartment – “establishing a perimeter” – she'll run claws out. To open windows. So that she can let the spectors in.

If only I had thought up a contract as thorough as this

So, that last entry? Yeah. Spoke too fucking soon. This afternoon, I was informed that I had to buy the brother a bus ticket (which for some reason I couldn't do online…had to go to the fucking bus station for it) and wire him MORE money. My parents sent him 300 on either Monday or Tuesday. For the ticket, which was around 200. He's apparently broke again.

Oh, and best part? I wasn't promised any of the money back! Yay! No clue when or if I'll be paid back. My dad still hasn't given me the other 300 he owes me. And I just spend 250 on Jeremy. And, tonight, when I talked to my mom again…somehow working on holidays was brought up. I said that normally we volunteer to cover the days, then people are picked to fill the rest of the spots. But, because I am now broke, I will be working Monday. I also am apparently working overtime later in the week because of training, and since there's OT available at night, I guess I'll just sign up for that, too. This freaking sucks.

I finally got my W2 today, and was able to file taxes to get the refund, which will help..but it's way smaller than I anticipated. Sigh.

AND. Tonight, when I tried to sit my laptop on the end table, I apparently missed the table. So whee! It went to the floor. And while its mostly working, the left shift key is way less sensitive than it used to be. Meaning I have to pound the fuck out of it (heh, that sounded dirty) just to shift. Bah! I like the left shift key. That's the only one I use! Stupid table.

My involvement in my brother's affairs, at least for the moment, seems to be complete. Money was paid back to me, earlier than I had anticipated. Well, the money I spent on him, not the money I lent to my dad to help with bills two weeks ago. Jeremy is still westward, after my mom sent him a few hundred dollars for a bus ticket. History has shown us, however, that it takes a few tries before he actually comes home…and you have to actually buy him the bus ticket. My parents don't have any more money to send, and I've refused to send anything else as they won't be able to repay me before I go to Austin. And, I'm just not having that.

My tummy still is sad, and I can't figure out if it's just stress of if I actually have some flu or something. But. It sucks. Plus, I've developed a fun new straight line headache in the past week or so. I *know* this is more stress related because I haven't had these types of headaches in almost a year. A straight line headache, by the way, is this fun headache that is a random burst of pain in a straight line through my head. Like, as if a rod of hurty is poked through my head. Except for the hurty? Is so hurty that I can't speak or uhm see or anything for like 10 seconds. Cause it only lasts 10 seconds, tops. Yeah. Fun times. I think they're technically called “Ice-pick headaches” because it feels like your head is being smashed in with an icepick. They're pretty rare, and although they're not linked to migraines, I haven't had any since I started taking stuff to prevent the migraines. In any case, I've been getting lots of them in the past two weeks. They always happen in the same place, except it's a slightly different location than where I used to get it. Sigh. Stupid straight line headaches.

SXSW is in three weeks. Although I've been doing the countdown, I never realized it was this close. I have to request different days off since my schedule changed. Also need to buy a cozy bag for my iBook. And a bajillion other things. I am so bad at planning stuff.

Did you know that Twinkies are filled with incompressible cream? That's what Wes just told me.

Giraffes are the tall beasts.

The pain in my head just won't go away. The sadness in my tummy, also will not go away. Mostly I've stayed wrapped up in bed. I wanted to hug my teddy bear last night..you know, for comfort or something. Shut up. But anyway, it had been living at the top of my bed for a few weeks. Shoved in the window hole. And apparently my window has a leak. So now, I have a leaky teddy bear. What am I to do? I guess that's what I get for not throwing the bear on the floor like usual. Sigh. Stupid leaky bear.

Last night I had a dream that I was drinking with Mario Batalli. It was kinda fun. I was sad to wake up.

The life is more crazy. I spent most of the morning and afternoon fielding angry calls from my brother and friends. You know. While at work. It was great! When I couldn't answer his call (because, you know, I was on a call and couldn't get the person on hold quick enough) I would get sweet voicemail messages like: “I'm calling you right back. Answer your phone this time.” Makes me all warm and fuzzy. *puke*

More money was demanded. He doesn't want a bus ticket. I explained that if I sent more money, I couldn't afford a bus ticket. This was ok. So, I tried to send it online. First transaction was frozen, I had to call Western Union. Again. Then they told me my card didn't meet security requirements. Mind you, I used it just a few days before. They said it was probably just a fluke and to try again. Now, remember that the transaction is authorized, so 70 bucks are already authorized off of my account at this point. And it takes my bank a couple days to drop authorizations. So, blah. I try again. Same shit. I call, they put me on hold and check something, say some security something about my card and say I have to send cash from a dealer location thingy. So, another 70 bucks are authorized from my account and unavailable to me. Jeremy starts calling wanting to know why I've cancelled the money transfers and is furious.

Let's all remember that this is happening while I'm at work. Taking phone calls. When I stop answering his calls, he gets his girlfriend to start calling me. So I explained the crap to her, and told her to pass on that I didn't want any more phone calls from him. Sigh.

Meanwhile, a particular person from work that bugs the hell out of me keeps asking if I'm okay. No. I'm not fucking ok. I want to break shit. I've got a migraine. I can't think straight. I can barely keep my shit together, and am struggling to stay at my desk. I keep trying to make it clear that I don't want to talk. Yet. Every time I walk by the exit, he stands up to talk to me. I mean, sure, I guess it's a being nice kind of thing. And mostly I'm just a bitch who ignores the feelings of others. But when my face has the red hate, and my eyeses have the icy stare and I've told you 4 times that I'm either fabulous (with sarcasm) or shitty or I ignore you or I say I don't feel like talking…uh. Take the hint that maybe shit is going on, and a person doesn't want to have a heart to heart in the helpdesk cubefarm.

Bah.

But. So. The real crazy of the night was on my drive home. I uhm. Saw the moon. And saw it uhm. You know. Falling out of the uh sky, right? So. I uhm. Maybe breaked real hard and swerved to uhm miss the moon. That was going to hit me. Jeebus. I've lost it. Luckily I was almost home, and could get inside – safe from the dangers of the moon.

I'm so not right in the head now.

So, my brother called *me* today. First while I was at work. To be fair, my mom told him my hours…and she's crazy and can never accurately remember them. Plus, he's in a different time zone. He called at like 9:20, (which was 7:20 in AZ – after he got up around 6:30 to walk across the boarder. You know…into the US.) Now, Sunday mornings aren't busy by any means, but I was pissed and thrown off…so I just mostly snapped and said I was at work. He told me he'd call later, which he did around 11pm.

So, I called my dad, to see if someone had told Jeremy to call me. Cause, you know…Mom had wanted him to. To cut out the middleman. Just have him talk to me! No more confusion! Make Heidi sad at the source! Dad said that I was probably supposed to be buying the bus ticket and just needed to know the city/date. Yeah. Apparently that wasn't it at all. Jeremy wanted more money. Mind you, if you've remembered from earlier, I'm runnng a little short right now. So, I was like, bleh. It's money or a bus ticket. If I send more money now, your ass isn't getting a bus ticket from me till Friday. He apparently is still trying to pull off his trip. Because he has many pounds of pot sitting in a hotel in Mexico. And someone from home was supposed to be driving out to pick him and it up. It just kept falling through, which is why he keeps needing money for his room.

As an aside, while my mom was trying to figure out where he was staying, she made me Google it. “Nogales Mexico” hotel Yolanda brought up an interesting snippet in the results. Can't find it now, though. Dammit. Anyway, it referred to the hotel being a brothel. It was funny, because the room he used to rent in Juarez was totally in a Mexican brothel as well. Sometimes, his life is so surreal, it rules.

So, yeah. He's still trying to pull off his great deal. And, he asked if he could come visit me. Asked how much a ticket to Tampa would cost, and said he would just go back to Maryland from here. Nevermind that in total, that would run about 400 bucks. And oh, by the way, I don't want to see him. Or have him bring 7 pounds of shit here. I'm angry enough to be pulled into this and to have to help his stupid ass out, but I'll be damned if I'm going to entertain him on an extended vacation. Especially when I've been busting my ass working overtime (ok, I did it a few weeks, but I did a lot) trying to pay for my own trip. Nevermind that I work and support myself, which is more than he does. Bah! I'm so sick of him.

Sigh.

So, on to stuff that doesn't make me so angry. Our new shifts were released, and I actually got the one I wanted. Another 4 day shift, Monday – Thursday from 10am – 9pm. Which means I get weekends off. Now, I don't actually mind working on weekends, but it does start to suck when you have to be up at 8am every weekend. But the best part is that I get a not-sucktacular supervisor. In fact, I quite like him. Plus, he's not all creepy with the staring at my breasts. Hmm. I wonder if Lefty will get sad, though, what with the lack of attention and all. Oh dear. Good thing Fast Eddie is a little slow, he won't give me any problems. Heh

I'm waiting on one damn W2 so that I can do my taxes. Thing is, I've known all along that they were sent to the wrong address. I've been trying for weeks to get in touch with the damn company (I no longer work for them, nor do they have the best contact information) through email, phone calls, phone calls, phone calls. Everyone has ignored me. I finally sent a really bitchy email to like 5 people in the company today, people that I've already spoken to who haven't contacted me back. Anyway, being a bitch apparently worked! I got a phone number to a different department, the right one. And, just like I knew, the stupid thing was sent to the wrong address.

Mind you, I moved while I was still working for this company. I not only updated my address in my contact information, but I also emailed my admin and manager while I was employed there. And, when I seperated from the company, I explained that – hey…I had moved…tried to update my address and it didn't seem to have work. So I told the idiot manager about it and gave her my address. Again. Apparently it was all for nothing, because my W2 was sent to my last address. Bastards.

So, I have the address updated. They said that if the original came back returned undeliverable, then it will be immediately resent. If not, then…we got issues because there's a problem in the software that resends the crap. So, yay. I like stupidness. So I have to call again in the middle of next week. Sigh.

Now. As for my brother. Apparently nobody has heard from him. He hasn't picked up the money I sent to him. But, turns out his “girlfriend” sent money a few hours before I did. He picked that up. And hasn't called anyone. Big shocker there. Why would he need to call when he has more drug money? Asshole. But, here's the really special part. So, nobody has heard from him. He's in…well, either Arizona or Mexico. Somewhere along the border. And, apparently a couple times he had called from some guy's cell phone. But. This guy? Doesn't so much speak the English real well. So, it was decided that dear sweet sister Heidi should call random guy's cell phone looking for Jeremy. Because. You know. I took Spanish in high school. Fuck that. I don't care where he is. And I sure the hell am not calling some drug addict's cell phone. Oh. And, she tried to put a guilt trip on me. That I should “think about when I had a problem.” Thing is, when I was doing heroin…I was going to school, held down a full time job…and nobody ever knew I was even on drugs. I never involved anyone in my issues, and never will.

Sigh. Besides. If you really think about it…it was his girlfriend who funded his little voyage. She should be the one to find his ass. And to deal with this shit. Not me. Not my mom. My mom can't really handle the stress and I freaking moved to try to get away from it.

Hate. Stupidness.

Also, because I'm all pissed off. I forgot to buy sleeping pills when I went to Target. I will *never* get to sleep now. Bah!

My family is fucked up. A little background here, in case you're new to the game. Brother – 31, in and out of prison. Been on more drugs than anyone can imagine. Mind you, I'm a huge fan of drugs myself, but I take care of my shit. He doesn't. His greatest talent is asking his mom for money. And getting random chicks to fund his drug dreams. Go figure. Mom – 53, she's sick. Like, uber sick. Hasn't been able to work in about three years. Can barely leave the house by herself without freaking the fuck out. Heart problems, diabetes, random weird tumors growing inside of her. It's bad. I honestly don't expect her to live much longer. She's also fucking nuts, and frequently takes bottles of pills. Not necessarily to kill herself, just to. Uhm. Sleep. Or whatever. Who the hell knows. She flips out at everyone around her for no real reason. And is mostly a real joy to be around. Can't be stressed, or she has chest pain. Has had like 4 heart attacks now, open heart surgery, and random other heart surgeries – once with radiation. She's fun. Dad – he's the one I like. 55, does construction work. Was going to kill himself a few years ago by laying on a railroad track. Cause, you know, life just got to be too much. Being in so much debt thanks to “the boy,” having a crazy, unloving wife (they haven't shared a bedroom in…uhm…23 years. They've been married 22 years. Go figure.) We get along really well, and are punished for it.

So, I get this call from my dad yesterday…totally out of nowhere. He mostly doesn't call me unless he needs something or something's wrong. So, you know…I figured it was bad. Apparently my brother is in Arizona. One of his favorite spots for hatching his drug schemes. See, he likes to go west – El Paso or somewhere in Arizona…get drugs, and mail them back. Sell them in Maryland, make money. Lather, rinse, repeat. It used to work a lot better like 10 years ago when he wasn't a heroin/coke/crack addict. Now, not so much. See, you can't get a junkie that close to Mexico. It doesn't fucking work. He goes, get's really strung out (like, way more than he is when he left) – cause he get can heroin and coke on the cheap. And he does a lot of speed balls, where you shoot up heroin and coke together. Supposidly great, I've personally never tried it. Not a coke fan myself. Anyways, since he's been doing smack for the last 6 or so years, he can't keep his shit together when he goes. So, he gets there, get's too fucked up, and everything falls through. How does he resolve this?

By calling home. My parent's phone no longer accepts collect calls. They stopped a few years ago. So now he calls one of my aunts. And whines to them about how he's stuck in X town. And broke. And hungry. And has no way to get back. And needs a bus ticket. And money. Occasionally there would be stories of how someone in the desert was going to shoot him in the head if he didn't have a few grand within x hours. So, the parent's always borrowed money and wired it out to him. Once I was old enough to drive, I would have to go do it. This would seriously happen every couple months. Sometimes he would call after being in jail in Mexico, having the shit beat out of him. Mexican jails? Not the nicest place to be. He's spent time in jail in El Paso, Scottsdale, somewhere in Mossouri (got caught on the drive back – cost my parent's about 10 grand for the lawyer and bail money and whatnot) and assorted other places.

So yeah, it's been going on for a while. He's kinda slowed down because he's been in prison a few times..nobody has been willing to fund his trips…stuff like that. I'd say it's been at least a year since he's gone out west to try to pull this shit off. But, apparently he did it again. As an aside, he called me a few months ago, telling me he wanted to, and wanted to stop here, in Tampa…on the way back. He also was trying to get me to find a crapload of drugs for him to buy here. I was so sad.

So, he called my aunt yesterday, told her the sad, sad story. My parents, they have no money. Mom, she gets a pretty fucking small disability check each month. And, each month, Jeremy manages to take a large portion of the money. In January? He got 500 out of the thousand she gets. Mind you, she's on like 30 meds, and has no insurance right now. He doesn't care. He “needed” money for an electric bill for whatever place he was staying at. Because, you know, he can't actually get a fucking job to pay for shit. And apparently whichever of his girlfriends that month had spent too much money on drugs to keep the damn lights on. He also needed money for the dentist. To get a tooth pulled. Because smoking crack is causing his teeth to rot out. That's so hot. Now, please also note that because of all the crap that's wrong with my mom? She has horrible problems with her teeth. And really especially needs dental work done. In fact, she *just* had a damn tooth break. Not because she smokes crack, but because she's sick. But the money she could have spent on it went to my brother. Nice, huh?

So, my dad called to warn me that I was going to be expected to get a bus ticket for my brother. And to wire him money. Because my parents can't do it right now, and the rest of my extended family won't. But they won't hesitate to tell my mom about it when she begs them to leave her out of it. Yeah. So, let's also remember that I'm taking a trip soon, right? Also, I bought a computer like 3 weeks ago. I bought plane tickets maybe 2 weeks ago. I just paid rent. And, on Monday, I gave my dad 500 bucks to cover one of his bills until his paycheck came through. I'm fucking broke right now. Like, seriously. My car insurance is due on Monday. Once I buy the 200 dollar bus ticket and send him money? I'm done. My mom was all, send him 50 dollars…wait…a hundred. I don't have it. Even sending 50? Will leave me with…uhm…about 50 dollars to live on myself until I get paid and/or my dad pays me some money back. And so my dad said he would put money in to cover the bus ticket so I wouldn't go over…but I don't want him to not have money either. Gah. Family sucks. And my mom was all pissed that I didn't have more money! Jeebus! I hate being the fucking cash cow for everyone.

And what sucks even more is that Jeremy just continues to do this shit over and over and over again…and someone always fucking bails him out. If I had said no, then my mom would have freaked the hell out…gotten chest pain, probably ended up in the hospital. It was one of those situations that was made clear to me that I was to make no comments about having to do it, just send the fucking money, do what you're told and keep the peace. It's sad, but that's mostly how my house is. I really, really wish that Jeremy would either just OD one day or get killed on one of his little trips. Because it's painfully obvious he's never going to change. He's never held down a job for more than a month. He doesn't feel that he should have to work, and if he ever does do any work…he's so much better/more intelligent than anyone else there and should be making more money or just running the damn place. He's had every freaking opportunity in the world, and he screws them all up.

I'm kinda curious to know what's going to happen if he outlives my mom, though. Because my dad? Isn't his dad. His dad is dead. And my dad? Pretty much hates him at this point. He's made everyone's lives hell. At one time, years ago, dad counted up how much Jeremy had cost them..not in normal living costs, but with his living extra activities. It was close to 30 grand. Seriously. And this has been a while. He's cost me a good 4 grand at least with his stupid shit. This isn't counting what everyone else in the family and his friends have given him. Yet he still plays this sad song about how nobody cares about him and I've had so much help (the hell?) and everyone just wants him to fail. He's had at least a dozen jobs given to him – not counting the plethora of times my mom has made my dad take him to work over the past 15 years. He's destined to be a fuckup, and I really just wish I could be completely rid of him. You'd think moving a thousand miles away from the stupid would help. Apparently not.

Oh, and the whole thing that made me move here when I did? Jeremy. He got into a fight with my mom because he stole her car…to buy drugs in a town like 100 or so miles away. With a suspended license and her having to have signed crap with the insurance company that he would never again drive their cars. He got pissed. She kicked him out. He somehow threw me into it, saying I had been in a bad mood because I knew he had drugs and I wanted some. Nevermind I hadn't been doing anything in months. Meh. So, without even speaking to me, she threw me out of the house too. Funny thing, though. Before I had even made it to Tampa, Jeremy had already moved back into the house. Mom didn't speak to me for a week. Because, you know, I'm the bad kid.

Sigh. My family is crazy. And now I'm broke, and sad. And pissed that I'm broke because of him. Really. I hope he gets some really good shit with the money I had to wire him, and I hope he fucking dies.