A Ceramic Fish Joint

My great-uncle died Monday. That part of my family is in Arkansas (my grandma was from there) so none of us could be with the family. He and his wife were very close to my late grandma, and we were all very close to them. We’re all very sad, obviously.On top of that, my nephew – who turned 14 last month, may have gotten a girl pregnant. This is the boy that hasn’t been to school in years. I can’t believe what’s happened to his life. His parents are both fuck-ups and only care about themselves, so I guess it can be expected. It just makes me sick that they don’t care what happens to him. So, you know…that’s lovely.And now I’m sick. I’ve had a low grade fever for almost a month, am always tired and now my throat is so swollen I’m having problems swallowing. It doesn’t hurt that much, though. It’s a lovely red with blisters, I hear that’s very in this season. Oh and today I woke up (the second time) with a cough. Luckily I go to the doctor tomorrow so he can check it out and give me get-better drugs. The tired may be because of some of my meds…I don’t know. Unfortunately, some of my new meds have bad side effects. Not so bad as what I took this summer, but still unpleasant. Like not being able to go to the bathroom. That sucks.In good news, the bloodwork I had to test for diabetes was good. Well, some parts were a little high but overall I don’t have diabetes. The doctor is happy with the results. Also, thyroid levels are good now too. Of course, I still feel bad all the time and my head is still messed up.Finally, my LOA has still not been approved (or denied.) Turns out this time the holdup is that my therapist won’t call the medical review peeps back. And I can’t get in touch with her. And don’t have an appointment for two more weeks. I hate how difficult this all is. I got disability insurance approved but not the time off work yet.Oh, and in other good news I FINALLY had an orgasm the other night. Jeez, it seemed like forever since I had any relief.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of taking a glucose tolerance test. My left forearm is now bruised from elbow crease to wrist. Lame. On the bright side, the particular vein that ran from elbow to wrist was cooperating, so I only needed 8 sticks to get 6 tubes o’ blood. The other lame part about the test is that it takes four freaking hours. First you get to not eat or drink for 10 – 12 hours. This is difficult for someone who consumes a lot of caffeine. Then you get to drink a super duper sweet orange drink, much like Kool-Ade but with 10x the sugar. I was so thirsty at that point that I managed to get most of it down before I started to choke from the burning sweetness. Then, lots of waiting. I did get to watch a movie, Men in Black, while I was waiting. They have a little movie collection at this place. Most other places have tv…but it was all good. I would rather watch MIB than devastation in the desert or something similar on the news.I also brought my dad with me, which I’m really happy I did. He left for a couple of hours in the middle of the test to go eat and then ran into one of his friends. But towards the end I got really, really sick. I was checking my blood sugar on my own while I was there and found that it went up, then down, then way up and way down. This, plus no caffeine, plus very little sleep made me very sick. In the “Oh science I’m going to throw up/pass out/get a migraine” sort of way. I did none of those things, but felt really shitty. The headache made me not be able to keep my eyes open. I tried to nap but the chairs were really uncomfortable. And I just tried to not move much so I wouldn’t have to throw up. Felt like that was a solid plan. After the test he drove home and stopped to get caffeinated substances. Once I ate I started to feel better. Then I napped and that helped. I got sick later that night and just went to bed early.During one of my lucid periods, my dad brought in a rabbit. We have three. One doesn’t like people too much. You’re not allowed to touch her…but she will come smell your hand if you stick a few fingers in her cage. Then she hops away. The second is a smaller bunny – a mini rex. He was purchased at the county fair about 2 years ago. He had apparently been raised by a young girl and was used to being picked up and held. And he enjoys it. The third is the bunny I bought earlier this summer. He doesn’t mind people and loves to be petted, but he doesn’t have much of a scruff to speak of – so it’s harder to pick him up. Plus his cage is not as high as the other bunny. So we rarely bring him in. But the second bunny comes inside every few days. Usually he’s held by someone and he’ll nuzzle up into your neck/look over your shoulder to see what’s going on. Sometimes we put him on a bed to hop around and check out the surroundings. Yesterday I was able to take some pictures. The first is my dad holding the rabbit, the second is the rabbit checking out the bed. I think it’s cute, you should too.

It’s such a nice weekend here at Casa del Familia. My mom is asleep, dad is playing poker in his room and will go work then play poker tonight and brother is in Bedford, PA with his girlfriend until Sunday.The air is crisp in the daytime, and freaking cold at night. The trees are changing colors, though they don’t look as pretty as they could. There hasn’t been much rain here lately so many leaves just turned brown and fell off. There are a few that are doing the red-orange-yellow dance. I’d like to get some pictures of the prettier ones, but they’re mostly just in the higher mountains – places I don’t necessarily go too often.I am in love with the new muscle relaxer I have, Zanaflex. It works so well, I can’t even describe it. I still have huge tight knots from my kidneys to the base of my skull, but now I can sit and move without being in as much pain. And it’s much easier to crack my neck and back, which relieves a lot of the pressure. I <3 Zanaflex 4-ever!Something made me sick this morning. Not sure if it was one of the meds (Effexor has a side effect of nausea and I’m starting out on a higher dose which would make it worse.) But apparently I woke up early this morning and ran to the bathroom to throw up. I went back to bed afterwards. I didn’t actually remember until my dad brought it up this afternoon. So I guess that’s something I have to watch, especially given the drug reactions I had over the summer.On Monday I need to schedule a glucose tolerance test to see if I’m diabetic. Also, I’m having further testing done on my thyroid. My blood sugar has been running kind of high lately. Yesterday I got really sick because of it. My mom gave me just a smidge of insulin to help bring it down to a normal level and I took a nap. It was particularly disturbing because I hadn’t eaten anything – yet it was close to 200. A normal fasting blood sugar level should be closer to 100. I used to have a problem where it would drop significantly, but that’s often a precursor to diabetes. About three years ago I had bloodwork done, including a fasting blood sugar. It was 35 – which basically is low enough to go into a coma. It freaked me right the fuck out.I’ve rekindled my love affair with peanut butter. I don’t eat too often, but have found when I have a particular “down” spell and need to eat, peanut butter does the trick. I usually just eat a spoonful of it – roughly the serving size. I’m not a huge fan of bread so I just eat it right off of the spoon. It tastes good, and in one heaping spoonful it has a good amount of protein and fats and carbs. Plus it keeps me satiated for a few hours. Peanut butter is good stuff.On a similar note, I’m making a conscious effort to eat a little healthier. And I think I may join the YMCA. The thing that sucks about their membership now is that it’s on a sliding scale. So, because I made pretty good money last year – a single membership for me is over 50 bucks a month. Dad and I were talking about him claiming Jeremy and I as dependants and putting down that he made very little last year. He kinda hasn’t done his taxes yet…. But, being self-employed with the type of job he has, he can really be pretty flexible. If he does that, then a family membership would be about 40 dollars.I’d really like to be a member of the YMCA. They have yoga classes, which I want to go to. They have a ginormous pool which would be great for my back. And all the exercisey equipment to play with. While I’m completely comfortable with my appearance, I do think it is time to get in better shape. We’ll see how that works out.

Today, my doctor gave me stronger muscle relaxers. I am very pleased. Very, very pleased. I was at the point that I was going to order Soma from India (I may still, depending on if/when disability payments kick in.) But today he prescribed Zanaflex. I had taken it a couple years ago, boy from work who I fucked a couple times had given me a few. I remember being pretty mellow, but not like I am now. The doctor prescribed the highest dosage to take 3 times a day. Hurray!In other news, I have become a lean, mean knitting machine. Ok, not really. I’m not lean (though somehow I lost 5lb in the last week.) I’m not mean; or at least I don’t think I am. But I am knitting lots. Every conscious and semi-conscious moment I try to go back to knitting whatever I’m working on. Mind you, I haven’t really worked on much yet. I made a scarf which totally rocks. And now I’m making a bag of some sort. But I have lots of yarn that could turn into something at any moment. Right now I’m just limited because I can only really knit on one size of needles. And I only have one pair of this one size out of the FIVE sets I have purchased.Ok, I’ll leave you all for the night. Pills have me as fucked up as when I was shooting dope. Interesting.Please for you to enjoy photo-picture of my scarf:

For some reason, my mom is obsessed with me having a kid. Not immediately, but she’s really pressing the idea. I’m very much against a spawn of my own. I love other people’s kids, and they adore me. Just yesterday I made friends with little 8 month old Abigayle in a restaurant. She was awesome.But yeah. I don’t get how adament she is towards a kid of my own. Nevermind that my own life is not together in any way. Or that I haven’t had a relationship last longer than four months since the two years of lesbian love (2000 – 2002.) I must be really bad at the relationship part. When I think things are going well, I always get blindsided and end up dumped, sad and lonely. When I think they’re shitty and end it myself I always realize later that it was most likely a mistake.Anyway, she just keeps bringing it up. She’s done it for years, actually. Her favorite would be a little girl with dark curly hair. Meanwhile, I freak out over the “miracle of birth.” Seriously. A parasite grows inside you, then months later it’s expelled through the girly bits. Then there’s the “mother cake” as the Germans describe it. You know, the placenta. Mmmmmm. Mother cake.Ok, this is squicking me out just thinking about the whole birthing a baby deal. Ick.

We've reached the magical time of year here. The time when my mom doesn't use the air conditioner. You see, it's cool enough outside that she can open her window and have the ceiling and desk fan turned on without getting hot. You might think that this would continue until it gets hot.

You'd be wrong.

You see, it's just starting to get chilly. But it's not cold enough for the other people in the house to start turning on heat. In the bathroom, living room and kitchen, the thermostat cannot be greater than 60 degrees. The bedrooms? Well, we make up for the loss in the bedrooms. Anyway, because she can feel the heat from the common rooms and is convinced that she can feel the heat from the bedrooms, the air conditioner will be turned back on.

There may be multiple feet of snow on the ground, but the air conditioner will stay on. In fact, one time the power was knocked out for a day or two because of an ice storm. She was upset about the lack of coffee, but couldn't stand the lack of air conditioner. In spite of the inches of ice outside. She's a little odd that way.

Winter birds are starting to show up here. The leaves haven't exactly changed. Some are dead and have fallen off of the trees but most are still green. I suspect that the cold nights we'll be having this week will force the color change. I believe it's going to be in the 30s tonight. The freaking 30s. In Tampa, it hardly ever got into the 30s. I'm so going to die here.

I just broke into the new yarn that I bought. I think the bulky wool will be a bag of some sort. I've been playing around with it, and knitting in different patterns – it's interesting. If I do make it into a bag, I definitely need another color to go with it. I have two skeins of grey, very boring.

I've tried to play with the merino wool, but it's very thin so I'm going to need different needles. I think those skeins will wind up being arm warmers. Though, something like that may best be done on circular needles and I haven't used them yet. I had thought about just knitting them flat and closing with a ribbon. It could look very corset like that way. Hmmm.

I'm really happy with this whole knitting thing. It's killing my back, but I love doing it. It's one of the few things that relaxes me mentally (definitely not physically, though.)

Taken from

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next four sentences after that in your LJ with these instructions: No digging for your favorite book – it has to be the nearest one.
5. Tag five people.

“If anyone was ill, they all chipped in to pay the doctor's bill – as labourers they could not afford any treatment at all. Their prosperity showed just how much change could come over peasants' lives in Latin America, given real land reform and efficient farming. Yet there was a touch of sadness in their new lives. 'We have got our piece of land,' said Presiado.” — Paul Harrison, Inside the Third World

Interesting. Do it if you want.

I just finished knitting my first thing. It's a long scarf, half hot pink and half black. Though, the black part is about an inch shorter than the pink because I somehow screwed it up a little. Anyway, it's nifty. It even has little black and pink tassles on it.

I found a yarn shop in the area today. Sweet mother of science, there's a lot of nice yarn. I bought four (small) skeins, and the total was $40. Two of the skeins were half priced, so together they were only $10. The other two are a really nice merino blend that feels awesome. I got one skein of lavender and one of light grey. I've got no clue what I want to knit next. I was thinking about arm warmers but they would be much easier to knit on circular needles, which I don't have. Then again, I could just knit one piece and sew it together with yarn or ribbon or something.

There's a nip in the air here. Most of the leaves haven't changed colors but it's definitely becoming fall. The high was in the mid 50s today and will get down in the 30s tonight. Definitely a change to what I'm used to.

*sigh* My family can be so demanding sometimes.

I'm thinking maybe I need a big change. Perhaps I'm all wrong but it seems like it might be time. I'm not so sure I want to live in Tampa anymore. Mind you, I don't know where I want to live but just get the feeling that a move might not be a horrible idea. Here's my thoughts.

If I were to stay in Tampa, once my current job goes away I will likely get hired as a UNIX sys admin. Two other SAs came to talk to us on my one day at work. They said the manager loved talking to me in an informal phone interview, loved another guys resume, and loved my supervisor just because. As long as he could get the approval for the hires, he would take the three of us. This is good because I would like to be an SA. I would make a lot more money as an SA. And, after a couple years of experience I could go work for another company as an SA while living in a place that I like.

If I were to move to Frisco, TX (outside of Dallas) I could continue working in my same position. Well, same position plus the engineering equivalent of my position. My company would pay for the move and compensate me for deposits. And since I would be under the engineering department, I would get a raise. Plus, Frisco has a slightly lower cost of living than Tampa and I know a few people from Seattle who have made that move. This job is pretty much a shoe-in for me as long as they have positions open. Which they do.

If I were to move to Austin, Amber would be there. And I'm fairly certain I could get a job in a data center somewhere. I like Austin a lot. I like warm weather. And it's not as “Texas” as other places. Still, I feel a bit suffocated in Texas because I'm surrounded by it.

Other places I could potentially transfer to inside of T-Mobile include Seattle and Atlanta. I don't really want to live in Atlanta. Seattle – maybe.

There are a few other places I wouldn't mind living. Chicago, NYC, few places in California. I assume I can get similar jobs there.

Fuck, a fight just broke out between my mom and brother. Yeah, definitely can't live too close to WV.

My dad will Not Stop Talking. He has to have a constant dialog. Always a story to tell. Always words. It's getting very crowded in my head. I already have a bit of dialog in there. He's adding more. I'm trying to read things online, he interrupts every few minutes to tell me something. When he's telling something he thinks is funny, he will often tell it twice.

Holy fucking science.

And right now I'm just…stuck. Can't move forward, can't move backward. My mom doesn't want us to come back yet. He's been here since Tuesday. We've been living the crappy hotel life since then. We should have left today, but had too much to do. We planned on leaving tomorrow, mom doesn't want it.

I need a break from being tourguide every fucking minute of the day. It's fun sometimes, but fuck. I need time to decompress. Alone. I would also enjoy getting some kind of pussy action right about now.

Also, I think going to work that one day last week is going to royally fuck me financially. I went in to say I wouldn't be there…and to tell HR I was going back on LOA. Except for how HR doesn't answer their fucking phones. Ever. And the LOA people are in Seattle – meaning they didn't even get to work until I was supposed to start. My supervisor was afraid to just let me go since HR has to be notified of the taking of leave. So to ensure I didn't lose my job I stayed. I was looking at the long term disability insurance info today. To qualify you have to be off work for 13 weeks. I was just off for 12. Then went back one day before being off again. I'm not entirely sure if I'm fucked, but I have a feeling I am. Because, you see….I can't go 13 weeks without getting paid. I have bills. I can't just come back to work because I have no home. Oh, and I'm also fucking nuts.

And my dad is sitting two feet away from me, continually commenting on how quickly I type. I don't freaking care. I've taken 3mg of Xanax before walking into the casino tonight, then immediately chased it with a vodka/cranberry. Too bad they didn't have cran-grape…I've recently learned it's fucking awesome.

So, basically. Fuck. I am tired and not exactly fucked up and need some alone time.