A Ceramic Fish Joint

At some point yesterday, my brother stole over 60 of my mom’s painkillers. Gone. Poof. As if nobody would notice that the bottle went from having over 70 to about 11. She can’t get them filled for two weeks. This was the same day that he got his Xanax refilled and was fucked up from taking too many of those. And, to add insult to injury, last night he asked me for a painkiller – which I denied I had. Because I refuse to give him anything. Now my mom is pissed, rightfully so. My dad is dumbfounded because he thought he had a fairly good hiding place – in a lockbox stuffed under his bed, hidden behind stuff with the key hidden in a drawer.

What’s awesome is that he just told his girlfriend I was the one who stole a lot of pills from her. And he told my mom I stole from her, which means he was going through my stuff. What an asshole. He pretends that everyone else is the problem, especially me. When in reality he’s the one who constantly ruins everyone else’s lives.

Great, now my mom wants me to go take his blood pressure since he also had Clonadine picked up for him yesterday. I refuse to touch the bastard.

Jeremy wrote the following letter to his girlfriend, explaining just how much mom and I messed up everyone’s Christmas. Also, how I’m a spoiled brat who gets what I want. Again, it’s left in all its grammatical horror.

JUST wanted to write you , I had a very bad evening after i talked to you , I got in a big fight with my mom, she was being a total ass!! So I wrote her a note and let her know just how I felt about today and how rude she was to me and my son!! It went something like this ; that she needed to remember that it wasn’t very long ago that my sister had told her that if she got any sicker that she refused to take care of her and would be placing her in the old peoples home! and that I thought it was rude to only buy me and my son one thing then exspect us to watch my sister unrap all her gifts, my son was very upset and thats why he didn’t want to get out of bed, cant say as I blame him either I delt with that all my life growing up! I had talked to his mother about it and she said that basically it has always been like that with her, wich is true I used to have to buy my own school cloths even and when i was 14 my mom took 3500$ out of my bank account and didn’t tell me till I went to the bank to deposit more money!I even remember having to buy my own presents for x-mas while my sister got what ever she wanted!! DADDY’S GIRL!!! SO he was upset all day since then and it really made it hard for me , MY sis had like 30 presents and I got a 20$ sterio, and he got 2 t-shirts, reall nice huh THEN she got a attitude with me because I bothered her for a blood pressure pill!! REAL NICE HUH! AFTER I STAYED up all night to cook dinner for every one and then they didnt even eat it! BUT made a big fuss because my sis made a cake! WOW!!SO I wrote her a note and reminded her that I have been doing all the cooking and cleaning 4 years now ,even had to help take care of my sis and feed her and change diapers when i was
like 6, real nice huh! SO I told her to not ask for anything from me again and to let heidi do the cooking and cleening paying bills ect. SO now she is trying to kiss my ass, I just told her to shove it that i was tired of being taken advantage of and that as soon as court is over see ya and have a good time with her helping!!! SO now I’m really depressed , one of my best x-mases ever !! After I was in such a good mood today and called everyone to wish them a happy x-mas, so they wouldn’t call and desturb her!even let her sleep untill 4 and woke her
up with dinner ready and coffee made 4 her!! REAL NICE THIS IS THE FIRST YEAR MY SON HAS CAME AND STAYED SINCE HE WAS 3!!!! SO now she is trying to kiss my ass , then she accused me of stealing her pills and I went in my sisters room and found 40 of them that she stold!! SO I reminded her that it was only a month ago that she almost had her talk into shooting me!!SO now my sister is in her room passed out from eating pills, after she totally fucked up my x-mas REAL NICE HUH? I think I may MOVE OUT IM GOING TO ASK MY G-mal IF SHE WILL GIVE ME SOME OF MY INHERANTANCE EARLY SO I CAN GET AWAY FROM THIS NASTY MAD HOUSE!!! BEFORE SHE TALKS MY MOM INTO DOING SOMETHEING TO ME NO wonder I didn’t sleep for over a week!! WOULD YOU? if MARTY SAID SHE WANTED TO KILL YOU? WISH YOU WOULD HAVE REALLY TAKEN ME HOME WITH YOU!! I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU , I NEED TO TALK THIS OVER AND GET IT OUT I’M REALLY UPSET AND THEN GOT MY SON HERE THAT WAS CRYING EARLIER ABOUT HOW MEAN HIS AUNT HEIDI IS TO ME AND HIM!!! REAL NICE HUH?
JEREMIAH P.S> PLEASE CALL ME IF YOU CAN, PLEASE AMY I JUST REALLY NEED YOU TO TALK TOO MORE THAN EVER RIGHT NOW!!!

He’s a delusional mess. In some ways it’s sad. In other ways, I just don’t care anymore.

Let’s review just a little bit. First, Jeremy got money before Christmas as his gift. And Zak got money for Christmas as his gift. I got to buy everyone’s gifts. And all the presents that were wrapped under the tree? Were purchased by me, save three items. I stole no pills, I have my own pills and need nothing from anyone else. I’m not sure when he was snooping around in my room, but he best quit that shit. As far as dinner goes, I believe I explained that in the previous post. He made three things. Which, by the way, I had agreed to do since he obviously wasn’t going to help out. Today I was passed out because I took a pain pill and a muscle relaxer for the migraine I got after talking to my mom. I found out that she did the ONE thing I didn’t want her to do, which is confront him about the rape incident. Of course he had denied it, but I feel so betrayed by her that she would do such a thing when it was told in confidence.

I swear, everything in that letter was a lie. I can’t believe where he gets this stuff. Mom wants him committed to a mental hospital but I dont’ think he’s going to go willingly. Here’s hoping when he goes to trial next month he actually gets jail time.

As usual, Christmas sucked ass. My brother found a way to screw it up for everyone. He has a knack for that. This is such a bad place to be regardless of the day. Anyway, one of the big things he did was write a scathing letter to my mom. See below, in all it’s grammatical horror:

Mrs. Sisk,

Just wanted to let you know that I won’t be bothering u anymore! Next time you need something or I’m to much of a bother Ask your daughter (you know the one that already said she won’t take care of you and you will go to a nursing home) the one that tried to talk you into shooting your own son! At this point I don’t want shit from u or anybody else so I won’t be bothering you and more! So don’t ask me to do anything for any one. I will start treating everyone the same as I get treated around here by the way thanx for the happy x-mas me and Zak both appreciated it! like Where was heidi at when I was cleaning and working my ass off the last 2 yrs.? You need to think a little harder about who really does what around here never seen anyone clean my room except to (clean it out) always nice to my face then I get told I’m hated or that you were going to shoot me, just because she’s got issues? So do I but I don’t blame others os as of now go fly a kite!

Jeremiah

Let me just take a moment to elaborate on this letter.

Next time you need something or I’m to much of a bother Ask your daughter (you know the one that already said she won’t take care of you and you will go to a nursing home) the one that tried to talk you into shooting your own son! The first part of this – sending my mom to a nursing home – has always been a joke. I say I won’t take care of her and will send her to the horrible nursing home where I worked. Everyone knows I’m not serious about it. Furthermore, chances are she won’t live long enough to be in that situation because of her health being the way it is. The second part – shooting him – well, that is her desire. When I told her that he raped me when I was a kid, she was going to shoot him, my dad and then herself. I had no idea she confronted him (against my wishes) and told him what she wanted to do to him.

I will start treating everyone the same as I get treated around here by the way thanx for the happy x-mas me and Zak both appreciated it! Zak is my nephew, and is 14. Mom had talked to him and said she was going to take him shopping for presents after Christmas because she didn’t want to get him something he either didn’t want or already had. Jeremy was given over 100 dollars right before Christmas as his gift for him and his girlfriend, was given a necklace to give to the girl and was bought a few things to open up. My mom has never even met his girlfriend – they met online and have hung out a grand total of four weekends; she lives over three hours away. Zak was not supposed to come out to stay for Christmas…nobody had planned it since I was the only person who bought him anything. Jeremy told me on the afternoon of the 24th that Zak had messaged him on MySpace and wanted to come out. It turned out that Zak had sent the message days before and had no idea that he was going to be picked up, but came anyway. That was orchestrated by Jeremy to cause everyone to be uncomfortable. As for the gifts, lets talk about what I got for Christmas. I got to buy the necklace for his girlfriend. I got to buy my own sewing machine. I got to buy the present from my dad to my mom. I got to give hundreds of dollars to my dad to help pay bills. I got to pay for food. I got to buy all gifts for my grandma. This doesn’t include the combined costs of gifts for my parents – which was between 600 – 700 dollars. I had three small gifts that were a “surprise” – that I didn’t wrap for myself then get to pretend to open them and be surprised. And that’s just because my dad went shopping on Christmas eve, spending about 15 dollars on me. They were presented in the bag they were purchased in. Merry fucking Christmas to me.

like Where was heidi at when I was cleaning and working my ass off the last 2 yrs.? Heidi has been sending thousands of dollars to pay for bills over the last few years. Jeremy may have “cleaned up” off and on, but for the last six months that I’ve lived in this house he certainly hasn’t even cleaned up after himself. I’ve done more dishes than I can even remember. While cooking dinner in the middle of the night on Christmas eve, Mom and I constantly cleaned up after ourselves. He claims to have come up at 6 and took over because we were fighting too much. The ironic thing is, we weren’t fighting at each other – we fought at him when he was there. Furthermore, over the past two years Jeremy has been in and out of jail, and all over the country. He’s demanded thousands of dollars from me and my parents for bail money, bus tickets, and money to get home on after another failed attempt at a drug deal in Mexico/Texas/Arizona and the trip back.

There are so many more things to say about this, but I just don’t have the energy anymore. I’ve spent weeks trying to make Christmas nice for my mom. She never seems to appreciate anything I do – I put up the tree for her and she only notices that the air conditioner is dirty. Or I make dinner and do dishes and she sees cobwebs on the ceiling. Everything comes with a statement about how something else is wrong. It’s so demeaning.

Anyway, this was just another fabulous holiday. On the way home from my Grandma’s house, my dad talked to me about him leaving my mom. Mom tried to overdose on pills yesterday and is doing the same right now. Jeremy is still being a jerk. And I have a headache from being the therapist for my parents. Meanwhile, I can’t reach my own therapist and am still upset that she didn’t remember my appointment last week. Oh, and I forgot to send out my holiday cards. I’m going to call them New Year’s cards since Christmas always sucks ass so much. I’m boycotting the holiday – screw Santa and his need for my cookies.

I tried to be nice today. I tried really hard. But it just doesn’t seem to matter what anyone does, my mom will find the negative in it and just keep pounding it to death – making you feel like crap.

She went to the doctor today, and while she was gone I did dishes and put up the big xmas tree. Well, part of the lights on the prelit tree weren’t working. And my brother and I couldn’t find the decorations. So I went to Wal*Mart to buy more lights and look at decorations. A week before Christmas. Not fun. I got lights that weren’t exactly the same (colored plus white rather than just colored) because that’s what was left. I didn’t get any decorations because a) they’re expensive and b) I figured they were somewhere in the house.

Mom went from being happy that the big tree was up (as opposed to the little tabletop tree and knick-knacks that my dad put out while we were at the cabin) to being furious that the ornaments couldn’t be found. Screaming at people, blaming my dad for throwing them away, yelling about how she always cleaned and kept them in a certain place. Well that certain place is her bedroom and they sure as hell aren’t there. I imagine they were put into the room I’m using and then taken downstairs when we cleaned it up. But she refused to let dad go down and look because “she never wanted them downstairs” since she’s convinced we have mice. But we have a cat who kills and eats mice if they come around. She does quite well, and no mouse has been seen for years here.

Anyway, I went from feeling good for doing nice things to feeling like shit. It really hurt my feelings and she doesn’t seem to get that. She just understands being pissed off and yelling at people. Oh and the blaming everyone else.

Then we had to go through this long ordeal about how I was mad at her. Or how I looked like I was going to cry. Damn right I was mad at her for being so childish and negative, rather than appreciating what I had done. She was the only person who wanted the damn tree up. But, you see..I can’t say anything like this to her because then I’m not “being patient” like dad expects me to be. Besides, if you call her on her shitty behavior she just turns more childish and locks herself in her room.

All this for something only she wanted and cared about.

I just got my student loan payments deferred until the end of September. Hurray! I’ll still be accruing interest monthly on it, but this way I don’t have to pay if I can’t. The last year of having to pay around 150/month on it were rough, especially when I went on leave from work. It’s amazing how easy the Dept of Education is to work with, if you actually call them. Hopefully I’ll never let my loan default again. I’ll be paying it for the rest of my life, but will have slightly better credit because of it.

I accidentally took a few blood pressure pills while sleeping. Dunno why I did it. I just vaguely remember a handful of pills and not enough Pepsi to swallow them with. I still have the taste in my mouth and hope my bp doesn’t go too low today. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I’m bored. I’m sad. I hate feeling this way. There’s only so many things I can do to try to amuse myself, but none of them seem to work.

Last night I got an email smackdown from an ex which really crushed me. I’m not sure if I was just feeling vulnerable or what but it really hurt. Which is ironic, because it was all about how I had been evil to him and hurt him and all that jazz. Which is true, but I felt shitty about it at the time and still do. He says everything is fine and he was just “scolding” me (like a dog) but I don’t think it is. We had remained friends but I question that now.

What sucks even more is that while I was in the midst of being upset about this, someone who I wanted to talk to called me but I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. Now today I get to deal with darling brother’s birthday. I guess the only good part is that I get to bake. I’m like Izzy from Grey’s Anatomy but without the hot body and being a surgeon and stuff. Still, baking seems to calm me. I guess I’m someone that needs to do stuff with my hands. Who knows.

I went to the gym last night and felt really great. But then I got that fucking email while I was leaving – it totally killed the workout buzz. When dad and I left the fitness room, the lobby was filled with preteen girls. It was horrible. A bunch of little cheerleaders being all catty.

This is all disjointed. I can’t think. I’ve taken way too many Xanax, but only slept an hour. I’m tired now but can’t seem to sleep. Also, why are there so many court shows?

I have this light purple fleece throw blanket. Because I always wrapped it around my shoulders to keep warm, I decided one day to just use a safety pin to keep it like a cape.

Now I feel like a superhero when I wear it. A pretty, pretty princess superhero.

Well, it’s officially snowing today.  It has been all day.  Luckily the ground isn’t cold enough for it to stick, so it’s just been blowing snow all day.  It’s also really freaking windy.  Like 40mph winds. That sucks. And makes the wind chill be, oh, 10 degrees or so.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to be taking Mom to a cabin for her Christmas gift. Three days in the fucking wilderness with her. Sounds like a whole lot of not fun to me. The ironic thing is that this gift is just for her. I had originally intended to buy her and dad a new dishwasher. The cost of that is less than what I’m spending on this cabin. And it doesn’t include dad. Or the things I’ve already purchased her. Or the migraine I will have.

Speaking of having a bad time – she has all but thrown a tantrum today. I reserved the place around 3pm. She was happy. I made cookies. Did dishes. Made dinner. Still happy. She took a nap. Felt good. Then it was time for me to wash some clothes to go. Well, she wanted a certain pair of pajamas that she hasn’t seen in a year. Have I mentioned that my family is a bunch of packrats? So she’s getting pissed while dad and I are trying to find these pajamas – and we don’t even know what they look like. Then she gets more pissed because things are messed up. Now she can spend weeks in bed with newspapers, books, pills, clothes and other miscellaneous crap. In a twin sized bed. No lie. But when it’s time to find clothes to pack, she flips the fuck out and wants everything thrown away. I asked to just be allowed to, you know, pack. Since it’s late and all and I’ve been a bit busy today. This makes her more angry. And then she is wanting to know if something can be thrown away, but gets mad when I say yes without looking at it…because I know there are duplicates. But she won’t let me explain this. No, instead she screams and locks herself in her room. Refusing to go for the third time in seven hours. It’s no wonder I’m fucking insane.

My mom wants to go to a cabin.  My mom wants ME to go to a cabin with her, actually.  And stay for a few days.  I can think of few things more unpleasant than the idea of being in the middle of fucking nowhere, WV…cut off from the world and stuck with my mom for three days.  Also, it’s really cold now.  It will be snowing this week.  We had freezing rain this morning.  DO NOT WANT.  Hopefully she’ll change her mind about this and I can get out of “roughing it” with her

On the plus side, if we do go…she wants to have lots of alcohol. Alcohol plus Xanax = less caring Heidi. Oh, and the cabin I found has a jacuzzi in it. It’s technically a romantic getaway one, but it’s the cheapest. Oddly enough, renting a small cabin in the mountains is really fucking expensive! But yeah. Alcohol + Xanax + Jacuzzi = bubbly Heidi. So, we’ll see if this actually happens. If it does, I plan on having my iPod and laptop for music and movie material plus lots of yarn. And books. And a nook to call my own. If I’m forced into something I don’t want to do, I should have the opportunity to have a little of my kind of fun.