Ok, it’s not really Peanut Butter Jelly Time…it’s baby shower time. But Peanut Butter Jelly Time is much funnier. (Holy hell this is a long post. I actually typed for over an hour and a half here.)
I’ve mentioned before (I think) that my brother’s girlfriend is pregnant. She’s due in mid June. They are actually in a long distance relationship; she lives in the DC area – which is about two and a half hours from here. They’ve been together for about two years. It’s all very tragic – Jeremy is a 34 year old felon (multiple time felon, actually…and many, many more times he got off the hook for crimes that should have sent him to prison for a long time.) He lives at home, and basically always has. He has a 15 year old son that he rarely sees. He doesn’t pay child support, all that jazz. And the kid’s mother is no prize, either. Zak didn’t go to school for nearly five years. She apparently home schooled him during that time, but it’s so sad to see a bright kid that can barely read. Home schooling wasn’t chosen because of any moral or religious beliefs, either. It was because Zak didn’t like to get up to go to school, preferring instead to sleep until the late afternoon. Rather than, you know, enforce some rules….his mom just let him stay home every day until such point that she had to withdraw him from classes and switch to a home school curriculum. Oh, and for a while it worked out well for his mom because Zak could babysit her friend’s kids for extra cash. Seriously.
So, there’s Jeremy who already has a kid he doesn’t take care of in any sense. And he lives at home (which I guess I can’t knock too much since I do now, too. In my defense, for the majority of my adult life I supported myself and lived far, far from my family. Can’t say the same for him.) The only times that he hasn’t lived at home, either my mom has paid rent and utilities for him or he’s had a girl supporting him. Said girl was generally on welfare and getting as much government aid as legally possible. And sometimes selling the kid’s ADD pills on the side (when not taking them herself.)
Which reminds me! The last girl he lived with? Yeah, he married her. Jeremy’s actually still married. I don’t think I’ve ever told the story of his nuptials so I’ll go ahead off on a tangent to share. It’s that good. Let’s say there’s this girl named Buffy. Yes, Buffy. Just like the vampire slayer – except the hillbilly version. So Jeremy actually met Buffy and started dating her when they were teenagers. He was probably 15 or 16 at the time, she’s a similar age. I think they dated less than a year. Around this time, my aunt got remarried (it’s an important detail, don’t worry.) The man she married had three children, one is a year older than Jeremy. And also a ginger kid. He and Jeremy are so similar. Both assholes, both snitches – in every sense of the word, both lifetime drug addicts, both act as the bane of their respective family’s existence. So, GingerStepCousin winds up dating Buffy. For a very long time. They had three GingerBabies. Three GingerBabies that were born to a mother who did a lot of not so good stuff while pregnant EVERY TIME. All three kids have developmental disabilities. They’re all prescribed meds for ADD, but Buffy is the one to actually take it. Though, she has been known to sell some before, too. I don’t think Buffy and GingerStepCousin ever got married. If they did, they divorced at some point. For a long time they had an on and off relationship. Anywho, a few years ago, Jeremy started hanging around her again. She had a cheap ass trailer paid for by welfare and child support payments of some kind. And with a Medicaid card for her kids she pretty much gets their Adderall for free which creates a small income for her. Food stamps keep food in their bellies. All that jazz. There was enough extra money from the government to help fund Jeremy’s heroin habit. Well, hers, too. Sure, they sold drugs also – you have to when you’re that deep in addiction. But the bulk of their lifestyle was supported because she popped out a few kids. She never even worked, instead considering herself a stay at home mom. Which is laughable at best.
So, at some point Jeremy and Buffy decided to get married. I doubt much of the decision had anything to do with love. Instead it was a way to “get back” at GingerStepCousin for doing whatever bad thing he was accused of doing against Jeremy. I believe GingerStepCousin turned state’s evidence against Jeremy on one or more occasions. And, to listen to Jeremy, every single time he’s been arrested it’s because someone else set him up. He blames every problem in his life on other people. So, it’s entirely possible that he married Buffy just to piss people off. But, the best part about the marriage? Buffy and Jeremy? COULDN’T AFFORD IT. My mom paid for them to get married at Local Courthouse as well as paying for the marriage license. And the rings. No lie. Jeremy must have been 31 when he did this. And he actually had mommy cover the costs. What. The. Fuck.
So, to recap. Jeremy is 34, has a 15 year old that he’s helped to raise for maybe 2 years of the kid’s life total – a kid who sadly can barely read and will likely drop out of school next year to rely on government handouts (maybe he can get a job at the “chicken factory” killing birds for Tyson, they pay almost 10 bucks an hour!) Jeremy has been arrested more times than I can remember, in more states than I can remember, even spending time in Mexican jails a few times and doing two stints in prison – roughly a year each time. He doesn’t work, not because he can’t but because he doesn’t want to. He certainly has no problem with self-esteem. When my mom would force my dad to take Jeremy to “help” on jobs (doing drywall) he would often complain that dad was ripping him off. Because clearly Jeremy was the head hauncho of the operation, was a complete pro and deserved top dollar. He often boasts to his girlfriend that he’s “worth” $40+/hr. Except for the part where my dad would often have to go back to fix the work Jeremy had done. After spending a mind-numbing amount of time explaining how to do whatever needed to be done. But, you see, Jeremy doesn’t let anyone actually talk because he already knows it all. Kind of like when I have to fix a computer here, Jeremy is telling me what is wrong and what needs to be done…then claiming to his gf that after I am on a computer he has to go back and fix whatever I’ve broken. Because I clearly am lying about my abilities to fix these new-fangled machines. Of course, if he didn’t have such a need for porn, new identities and get rick quick schemes it wouldn’t be a problem.
Of course, there IS porn out there that doesn’t kill your machine, you just have to know where to look. But, up until last night when I finally hooked up the second desktop in his bedroom, there were only two working computers in the house. My laptop – which is used by me and only me (and whose tubes are often clogged because of the craptacular router here) and the desktop in my dad’s bedroom. When dad would leave – which he does for an hour or so every afternoon to run errands and then most evenings/nights to play poker – Jeremy would hop on the computer in Dad’s bedroom. He claims he would just do the Myspace/Yahoo thing. Looking at his history proved otherwise. He doesn’t realize that you can actually see which websites a person has visited. But, even better than that…often my dad would leave – and Jeremy would head for the computer. As Dad gets older, he’s more forgetful. Oftentimes he’ll leave then realize he has to come back for something he forgot. Sometimes Jeremy will have gone to the bathroom for a minute at the exact time that Dad gets back to the house. And sometimes, just sometimes, Dad would walk into his bedroom to find a horse fucking a fat chick. No lie. Jeremy apparently has a thing for: fat chicks, barnyard porn, double penetration and transexuals (he went on a huge tranny binge the other day, according to the history) Seriously. I mean, sure…I have no problem with some of that, but I just think it’s so funny with the way he claims that I’m a whore (….) or that dad is into some freaky smut. But, reality proves otherwise. He likes to tell his girlfriend about how he has to “clean up” the computer every time he gets on it because of all the dirty stuff my dad is “addicted to.”
Wow, that was a tangent of a tangent. The point. The point of this post. There is a poor child coming into this world who is unfortunate enough to have my brother as a parent. I don’t really know much about his girlfriend, but apparently she’s never lived on her own, either. I think she’s a year younger than he is. And was a virgin when they got together. I honestly believe that the pregnancy wasn’t as big an accident as they claim. I mean, she was supposed to be on birth control. I know it’s not foolproof, but she seems like the type of person who would get pregnant to try to help a relationship. She’s a super needy girl. Perpetually depressed, with the self-esteem of a kumquat. She’s on the heavy side, and hates herself for it. Lots of fat chicks do. But I bring that up because I think she’s just so attached to the idea of a guy actually LIKING her that she’ll do anything to make sure it doesn’t change. And clearly having a baby will bring “Jeremiah” closer to her. I’m projecting a lot here, it’s just my take on the situation. And I doubt I’m very far off base.
So there’s this baby coming along in mid-June. And she was all upset because nobody had thrown her a baby shower yet. Which, I’m no mother, but I’m pretty sure that’s something done later in the pregnancy. Like late 7th / early 8th month. At least, that’s how it’s been with all the baby showers I’ve attended. And she was complaining over a month ago about it – barely out of the first trimester. So my mom offered to throw her one. Up here. Inviting family to attend. Let me also say that apart from my parents, only two other family members have met her. I’m no Miss Manners but asking people to participate in a baby shower for a person they’ve never met seems awkward to me. (Note, I’ve never actually met the girl either. My parents have because to save money on her visits, she started staying at their house. So her and Jeremy could fuck in the bedroom that’s sandwiched between my mom’s bedroom and my dad’s bedroom.)
So, you know, I just had to make this big move. This big, expensive move. And, I’m unemployed. My unemployment checks barely cover the insane cost to keep health insurance, along with everything else. It’s tight. My mom is disabled, getting a monthly Social Security check for almost squat. It’s difficult for my dad to work doing construction now. Although he’s in great shape for his age, he is in his mid 50s. After breaking his dominant arm a few years ago, he was out of commission for almost 6 months and it’s never regained all of its strength. Plus, a couple of decades of a hard, hard life have taken their toll on him. Looking at him, you can see how tired he is. It’s upsetting. Anyway, the point is, he doesn’t bring in a lot of money like he used to. His primary source of cash is from playing poker now. And while he does good most of the time, no matter how good you are you don’t always win. The cost of living for my family can be pretty high from health issues, my brother and all of his needs (I believe in the past 12 months he’s had to go to Missouri 5 times for court, each trip costing a few hundred dollars – just to give an idea) and the immense debt that my parents are trying to pay off thanks again to my brother. At this point, there is more debt from money borrowed to pay lawyers, bondsmen, court fees and the “Mexican Mafia” than is owed on the mortgage, which has roughly 15 years left on it. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to go work my ass off 7 days a week doing hard labor anymore either.
Holy cow – I gotta go off on another tangent here. I flipped the tv to the game show network because Jeopardy was on. It just went off and an OLD episode of Wheel of Fortune came on. By the looks of the clothing, I’d say it was from the 80s – probably Dynasty period. The very first contestant has no clue how to play the game. After 30 seconds of silence, she says “uh..I’ll spin.” Then forgets to say which letter she picked. Once, Pat Sajak actually had to say “Lisa?” to try to prompt her to do something. Instead of spinning or buying a vowel, she says “Yes?” OH MY GAWD. This is actually painful. We’re on the second puzzle now and she’s still having problems with the concept of the game. Oh wow, the “big money” is $2500…and someone just landed on a “Surprise” pennant. The surprise? Was a vacation to rural Virginia. No lie. This is killing me dead.
So yeah, where was I? Money. Money isn’t great by any means. But, deep down under all the crazy, my mom is truly a generous person. She would do anything to help her children, no question there. And would honestly go out of her way to help a stranger if she thought they needed it. And she really does give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Jeremy has spent his lifetime lying, cheating and stealing – often from her. Deep down she knows that everything he says and does is with a motive of helping himself somehow, but she prefers to live in the land of denial. So, there’s this girl that her darling son knocked up. And poor thing has no baby shower planned for her. Mom agrees to do it, planning it for mid-April, not realizing that it conflicted with Zombie Jesus Day. So she changed it to the 3rd week of April.
Well, apparently this girl is an ungrateful little snot because she threw a fucking fit over this. Saying that she’ll be too close to her due date (uh…days under 2 months away from it, actually) and to just forget about it. Because she can’t be making a 2-3 hour drive when she’s *gasp* pregnant! Actually, she hasn’t come up to visit Jeremy since the fateful weekend of conception. She claims gas is too expensive (you can make it down and back on less than a tank of gas) or something. But at the same time gets all pissy because Jeremy isn’t excited enough about the pregnancy and isn’t a part of it, etc. I clearly can’t speak to that. It just pisses me off that the family of the father got guilted into throwing a shower for her, and she’s being a Momzilla about it. Don’t get me wrong, I would have done my part as Aunty Heidi and bought a nice, tasteful gift and all that jazz. I’m just floored by how she’s acting about it. Not just her, Jeremy too.
Again, money isn’t great right now. So a party like this needs to be done on the cheap. We’re lucky in that a cousin owns a large daycare, so we get a venue for free. At showers, not only does the host have to buy a gift for the expectant mother (and as the grandmother, it’s understood that it will be a large gift) but also to feed the guests and provide prizes for games. So that it doesn’t seem like you’re just getting together to hand over a bunch of stuff to someone who successfully got laid. So that it’s fun. Because babies are fun. /sarcasm All this stuff is expensive. Instead of buying a large, crappy sheetcake from the Walmart bakery, mom suggested we make one. Well, Jeremy threw his own little fit. Because we weren’t treating his girlfriend like a queen, I guess. Now, let me just say that I’m a damn good cook. I joke around about the problems I have boiling water, but in reality I’m quite accomplished. And I enjoy cooking, especially baking. And and AND, I love decorating cakes. Often I just make a cake out of a box and change the colors based on my mood (usually I’m in the mood for pink) but I have been known to knock out gorgeous cakes. For a long time I made bunny rabbit cakes – shaped like an actual rabbit! Point is, instead of spending $30 bucks on a white sheet cake with “Happy Baby” written in pink, I could make a cute cake. It wouldn’t just be about saving money, either. I feel that doing things like offering to make a cake is another form of a gift. Not only does it help my mom with the party – something that she’s not mentally or physically equipped to organize (her offering to throw the party actually means that I will throw the party) but I get to share my own talents, culinary and artistic, with the guests and the BabyMamma.
After talking about it a little tonight, I convinced Mom to just let me make the cake. Apparently BabyMamma has no preferences of cake types (just, you know, HAVE THE PARTY RIGHT NOW) – she just said “white or chocolate or whatever…I don’t really know I guess.” Somehow strawberry cake was chosen, so I’ll go with it. Probably strawberry with a good cream cheese icing. I’m not sure what to make yet, though. I need to do some Internetting to find me some ideas. Something not too ambitious but still cute and fun. Luckily we don’t have to organize games, my cousin (who owns the daycare) already offered to do it. She’s really into that kind of stuff. I wish I could describe her, but I just can’t get past the fact that she still wears HUGE bangs and 80’s eyeliner/mascara. She also does the super tanning thing. She has a pool, so in the summer it’s understandable. But in the winter, in the mountains of West Virginia, it’s silly to see someone so tan. I think she’s finally switched to a spray-at-home tan, but for many, many years she went to a tanning bed daily. Still, when I think of her, I see Bangs. They are longer than my hair (which is just below my chin) then she curls them, teases them and uses half a bottle of Rave. If only she were an Aquanet girl, it would make the picture so perfect.
Oh, I’ll leave with one final note. You know how expectant mothers often plan a nursery theme? Which carries over into diaper bags, strollers, car seats and clothing? Yeah. BabyMamma has chosen the ever so classy Looney Tunes. I’m not sure why I find this so funny. Maybe because one of Jeremy’s ex girlfriend/partner in crime (literally) had a knickname very similar to a Looney Tunes character of a little yellow bird. She even had a tattoo of the character. And wore Looney Tunes shirts while in her late 30s, living in her parent’s basement she had Looney Tunes stuff all over the place. This whole living in the parent’s basement thing is pretty common with the people I know in this part of the world.
Oh wait, one final FINAL thing. Apparently the plans for Jeremy and his BabyMamma to finally be together involve him moving down where she lives. No, they’re not going to get a place together. He’s going to move in with her parents. Romantic, huh? I’m not sure if he’s going to wait until he’s done with probation (in 3 years) or try to transfer his probation down there. That is, of course, if he doesn’t get sick of playing house with her by then. At times, I actually feel sorry for this girl. She honestly believes that he’s her prince charming. He speaks some pretty prose, well…it’s a bit mangled by the time he types it out since he’s barely literate. But, I guess for a girl convinced she’s not worthy of another human’s love…I guess she figures she did pretty good for herself. When he gets pissed off over whatever she’s “done wrong” – she falls all over herself to apologize and make it right. He’s an abusive lover, physically and emotionally. He hasn’t hit her yet…but two of his other ex-girlfriends had the shit beat out of them. He has an excuse for it, drugs or something they did to set him off or whatever. Anyway, I wonder how long it will take for her to get a broken nose. Even if he doesn’t lay a hand on her, he certainly makes sure she knows her place. I’ve never understood how women get wrapped up in that. I guess you have to hate yourself deep down to believe you’re not worth anything better. My mom was abused by her first husband for many years (Jeremy’s dad) and still has the emotional scars from that today. It’s sad to see the cycle continuing. And since Jeremy’s dad was not part of his life, clearly a big part of it is “nature” rather than “nurture” – they have a lot of similarities. I fear for my nephew and what he’ll become.
