Tue 30 Mar 2010
Posted by Heidi under random thoughts
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Mon 29 Mar 2010
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Sun 28 Mar 2010
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Fri 26 Mar 2010
Posted by Heidi under Uncategorized
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I am oddly conflicted right now. Well, maybe not so oddly. I don’t know.
Okay, so here’s the deal. I moved back to West Virginia with my parents after losing my job. Not only had I lost my job, but I had been in a serious car accident with some pretty substantial injuries (which I still suffer) a few months prior. And had spent about six weeks total in the hospital because of weird gastrointestinal attacks that also aren’t entirely resolved, but are partially helped by getting botox injected into part of my stomach.
I lost my job in November. I was actually recovering from surgery. When I wasn’t in the hospital I was seeing doctors five to six days a week for different types of therapy to try to help me walk normally and not be in excruciating pain. Painkillers helped, but that luxury was taken away when I moved. In any case, I was in no real position to look for serious work – at least nothing that could support me. My lease was up in just over two months. My mom had been living on my couch (she came down when I first got sick, we had the car accident and she refused to leave. It was super duper awesome. I actually flew my dad down twice to try to get her to go home…of course that’s when I started getting really sick again.)
Okay. So I moved here. I thought – I’ll go to school! I’ll just finish school and maybe have a better chance at getting work in a shit-ass economy. Well, first thing was trying to find a pain management doctor. I’ve gone to six and been refused by two more. I was taken off of painkillers right after moving back. I cannot express how much it hurts to have a herniated disc, a tilted pelvis, three bulging discs and a spine completely out of placement. I couldn’t finish all my therapy in Florida and am unable to find anyone who will continue the treatments I was getting. Instead, I got to have terrifying procedures where nerves in my back were burned. While I was awake. Laying on my stomach on a very small gurney. Sometimes the electro-current would cause me to involuntarily jump – which would cause me to get reprimanded as it was dangerous. You know, because a tiny needle was threading through a bundle of nerves to get to the right one…hitting the wrong one could have really, really bad effects. So it was scary when I would feel my entire leg burning when it shouldn’t. Or have random shooting pains in my ass/hip area. I did this four times then was told that I was either just faking my pain for drugs (six months after having them stopped) or that I’d never be better. Other doctors said it was because I was overweight and despite the incredible amount I had lost even while injured – either I would have never been injured in the first place had I been thin OR it would have healed quickly. Which, the first statement is bullshit but the second may well be true. But that pesky gastrointestinal problem? Really, really gets in the way when it comes to losing weight. I can’t have gastric bypass because my problem, essentially, is that I don’t digest food anyway. It stays in my stomach too long then, if I’m lucky and it goes to my intestines, it stays there too long. Again, botox helps but isn’t perfect. And I’m losing health insurance in two months. Wheee!
Okay, so there’s all this. I came back and was going to go to school in the summer. Then I got sick again which took me out of commission about a month total, including the week in the hospital. Then Mom had a stroke. And it’s been downhill ever since. After 5 weeks in the hospital because of the stroke, she was home less than a month before an infection sent her back. And back. And back. I think we’ve figured that she’s been an inpatient nearly 6 months since last July. She needs a lot of help. And, a few months ago, my brother moved back with his…uh…wife. Which, yeah. That’s just too long a story. Anyway, it’s either me or dad here to take care of her.
Meanwhile, I had been planning on moving this summer. I was waiting on a settlement from the car accident for fundage, which I got in late January. Now I feel a huge amount of guilt over leaving. After each hospital stay, mom is much weaker then gains a bit of strength back and is able to be pretty independent. And by that I mean she can get out of bed onto her bedside toilet, take her meds/eat/drink/etc if it’s within reach. She can’t get up and go to the kitchen. She can’t go to the bathroom. She can’t go to the other side of the room without help. And, if she’s still groggy from sleep she is very likely to either have an accident and/or fall while trying to get to the toilet. And a fall? Well, it takes two people to get her back up. Not only is she still a pretty large woman but when it happens she’s almost worse than deadweight. And lifting deadweight is hard. It’s like she works against you because she doesn’t understand and is being hurt. And the hurting part can’t really be helped. She’s so sensitive because of being mostly bedridden, which causes weakness and atrophy. Being sick so much makes her hurt. Her infection is caused by a cyst in her liver and her liver hurts. It doesn’t help that she has two giant drains with two giant tubes sticking in her stomach. And finally, some of her meds, especially the ones to thin her blood, make her bruise easily and just sore. So having to lift her with force is going to hurt.
So, yeah. I feel bad about leaving. I feel a sense of obligation to stay. I actually agreed to be a paid caregiver for a certain amount of time – roughly 40 hours a week at just below minimum wage. Which pretty much equals what I got from unemployment. Or, not a whole hell of a lot of money. Outside of the preset times when I watch her and handle everything (cleaning, food, all of her needs) I also take over during the shorter periods when he has to leave for whatever reason. I mean, this lets him go out to make some money but I certainly can’t take it all.
Okay, so there’s that. Then there’s some other things. First – I’m not entirely certain where I want to move when I do it. Second – I’ve worked in IT for a decade but have been out of the game for way too long now and I know it would be a hinderance. I wanted to take the time to get a couple certifications to make me look a little better on paper but just can’t seem to concentrate to do it. And there’s the whole moving to a new city and finding a job quickly before I spend all my money part which scares the crap outta me.
Then, there are a couple other things that have come up. First is an opportunity to take classes to become a casino dealer (on any table game – there are different classes for all of them and you have to train in at least two.) This is something that honestly interests me. I love poker. I grew up around this kind of stuff. But, admittedly, I am very nervous when dealing in live games – even super casual ones. Doing so in a casino setting would not be casual at all and there is no guarantee that I would be hired. You have to “test” for the job by dealing a set number of games successfully and I’m sure there would be a lot of wonky weird things thrown in. Still, something about dealing appeals to me. Especially the second game I’d be choosing, craps. It’s a very difficult game (and the class is actually almost twice as expensive as the others) but far fewer people can be dealers. But, if I were to go this route and succeed it would take roughly 6 weeks and about 2 grand. And, while dealers are paid low wages the tips are extremely high. At even smaller casinos a poker dealer can expect between $20-$30/hour in tips at the lowest stakes games; significantly more at large stake games. The downside (other than uncertainty) is that the place is about an hour away. But, at its worst, my commute in Tampa was nearly 90 minutes even if the distance was much shorter.
The other thing is going back to school. Again there would be a distance factor since the “local” university is insanely expensive. I want to finish school. There’s just some part of me that feels a failure without a degree. And people have begun dangling med school in front of me again. As much as I get frustrated taking care of my mom it’s oddly weird to be so in charge of her care and to know more about her specific situation than most of her doctors – especially new ones. It’s hard to explain, really, but I am so good at the whole medical side of things. Like, more than just nursing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve figured out weird random medical whatever that countless specialists couldn’t. And I’m so comfortable being thrust into those situations. We’ve talked with Mom’s home health nurse a couple times because she’s always absolutely amazed at my ease in taking care of critical things (like a PICC line or Hickman port – both special long-term IVs that require pretty intensive care.) And, apparently she’s always worked in home health care – never in a hospital or nursing home setting. Never dealt with someone who has coded or a death. I have. No biggie, honestly. I know what to do and when to do it. I was actually working with my mom when I had my first death to deal with and she was the only one there who knew it was my first. And she, with 30 years of experience, couldn’t believe how easily I handled it.
I’m not trying to say I’m something super great. Just, I think I’m kind of a natural at it. And the stuff that freaks most people out doesn’t bother me at all.
Now, all this said – I am going a little crazy here. I hate West Virginia. I hate the cold. I hate living in a partially finished basement where I don’t even have a dresser for my clothes. I hate how the damn cold of the basement makes my back hurt and the wee waterbed with a wee crappy mattress gives me little room to sleep and makes me wake up unable to move. I hate the doctors here. I hate that I have to travel 2 – 3 hours to see a specialist. I hate that my friends have all moved away and I’m socially retarded and afraid to meet new people. I’ve spent a year completely alone, except for my family. I turned 30 with my cat in my parents’ basement. I’m “that girl.”
So I really don’t know what to do. I know that I truly am needed here and appreciated. I finally don’t have to share my car but it almost doesn’t mean anything because I rarely leave. I’ve actually even put off buying a new car, which was something I wanted to do right away, just because I don’t feel like dealing with it. Though, I think that might change. I’ve been peeking online and have found a couple I like. Actually, I believe I may go out today to test drive two cars and perhaps buy one. There’s one close to DC that I like also but that will be a pain to get to.
Conflicted. I’m completely conflicted. I want to be somewhere else but there’s something holding me back and I’m not sure if it’s legitimate or a product of my panic and fear. (My panic is named Pip, after the character from Great Expectations. Because I hate him so fucking much. Stupid Charles Fucking Dickens. I forget what fear is named. I’m pretty sure Wes’ fear is Fred. Probably I just named panic since the fear always leads to panic. Fucking Pip my Panic.)
Thu 25 Mar 2010
Posted by Heidi under random thoughts
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Mon 22 Mar 2010
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Sun 21 Mar 2010
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Wed 17 Mar 2010
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Tue 16 Mar 2010
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Mon 15 Mar 2010
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