As I sit here watching TV an unnatural amount throughout the day, it occurs to me that some of the most attractive people just happen to have accents. Sexy, sexy accents. And, if I mute the TV, the sexy is slightly less. Therefore, certain accents are totally hot.

Yeah, I realize that’s nothing new. But, you know, I’ve recognized this and totally have a plan! Rather than hoping to stumble upon an intelligent, attractive, fun, etc person here – I’ll move to where the sexy accents are all over the place!

I’ve already decided that my poor little Ziggy and his weird non-meow isn’t actually something lacking on his part (like the inability to meow with all focus placed on his perfected purr) but rather that he simply has a heavy accent. I’m thinking eastern European, but I could be wrong. So hard to place the origin of a cat’s meow.

In any case, Europe is the source of some of the sexiest accents. Seriously. In the US, the most distinct accents are the Jersey accent, the southern accent, the Boston accent, the Close-to-Canada accent and that creepy deep woods Appalachian accent that I am sadly is a little close to home for me. Obviously there are more (like Texas which is southern but…not; in the way that Appalachian is southern but totally not) but those are the ones that jump out at me. Anyway. Rather than searching for the so-called needle in the haystack of accents in the vast lands here (seriously, you’d have to do a lot of traveling and searching to find that special someone who also has a delicious accent) it would be much easier to plop yourself in a relatively small area with a high concentration of aforementioned delicious accent.

Now, this isn’t to say that my requirements for a significant other have changed (or that I’ve been compromising myself by allowing non-accented people into my life…and bed) but rather that I’ve realized a distinct feature some people possess that is, by default, incredibly alluring. I can only imagine that a relationship with a delightfully accented person would create an interesting dynamic. Think about it. How hard would it be to maintain an argument when every word out of the “opposing” party is completely swoon-worthy.

Of course, that means that I run the risk of being totally blindsided by things that I may dislike or even abhor under normal circumstances simply because I’m all swoony because the accented words make certain parts of me moister than normal and other parts weaker and full of jelly rather than bone. Just sayin’.

Anyway, I’m thinking this is a pretty solid plan for my romantic future. Move for love. Most people who do this kind of thing obviously move for a particular person. No worries, I don’t mind being a little different. No, I really think this idea has something to it. Move to a locale populated by irresistible accents. And, since the accent won’t be exotic (and therefore a bit coveted – c’mon, I’m not the only one who goes for accents) there won’t be as much competition. Plus! Maybe my own accent could be seen as the exotic one, thereby elevating my allure as an eligible single woman.

This is totally a full-proof plan, no? (Is it sad that I’ve resorted to this? One year with no sex make Heidi something something. Although I have to admit: it’s hard being in your very, very small hometown trying to date or even just get laid. Too many people you already know – or who you would know if your memory were better, but they know you. Add to this my attempts to date are thwarted in several ways: lack of my own transportation since my dad is STILL using my car after all this time so I’m out of a car most of the time, embarrassment over both living in my parents’ basement without a job, having added responsibilities of taking care of my mom since she’s all post-stroke/post infection/with bonus weird health things going on she can’t be left alone and my dad leaves daily resulting in me having to care for her and finally my utter disgust of this place and that it stands for – meaning I want to move as soon as I can which makes relationships of any type difficult as there’s inevitably a point where things find their way of getting more serious even when you don’t mean for them to. Really, though, the biggest roadblocks, I suppose, are the other things. No reliable use of a car. That’s not so hot at 29, even if I technically do have a car that happens to have strings attached. And the no job, living at home part? Yeah, I wouldn’t have looked past that before – how can expect differently from others. Then, of course, the logistical difficulties of getting opportunities to leave the house without being wracked with guilt. Oy. All because I need to get laid. And, sadly, for the first time in a very long time I actually want something more than a one night stand. Of course, after all these years and all these opportunities that I’ve passed over… NOW I want the thing I could have had countless times with amazing people and it’s one of the things that is pretty much out of the question. Hmm, maybe that’s it. Wanting what I can’t have.)